Updates At Last

Words have escaped me for most of the last four months, but I am slowly finding my way back to the keyboard.

I don't have much to say besides the fact that I am so glad the last few months are over.  It has been a bit of a nightmare getting through this Fall, but I am praying that the Winter brings new fresh starts.  Sometimes we wander unfamiliar and scary roads.  I have definitely seen the edges of myself and my mind and while what was waiting was not always pretty, it's still an important part of me.

Self-acceptance, total self-acceptance, seems nearly impossible.  Will there always be parts of ourselves that we are uncomfortable with?  I don't know.

Here's what I do know for sure:
- Music, dancing, friends and good food make for an excellent night
- Having guests over is a blessing
- Exercise is important
- Forgivness is divine
- Everyone messes up sometimes
- School is not the most important thing
- We all need someone who will listen
- The Canadian mental health system needs some serious reform
- Teaching yoga is such a blessing
- Good friends and family see you at your worst and still love you

Wishing you a wonderful 2013!!!

All my love,
Emmy

In the Morning

  Here's a song to open with:

There is much more to say but alas my Economics homework beckons. I must follow the rational mind at least for a while.  I promise to return to this trusty keyboard and spill my heart onto pixels and pages and words that simmer off into the distance.

Much love,
Emmy

In Alignment (and the Flow)

At certain points in my life I have been "in the flow."  However hippy and floaty that sounds, these moments of intuitive guidance have sometimes lasted a week, sometimes a day, sometimes a moment.  And all it is, is that I feel like I am right on track.  Have you ever felt like that?  Like everything is aligning perfectly so that effortless effort can be accessed.  You go shopping, you find exactly what you were looking for.  There is one parking space left for you.  Or you meet a friend serendiptiously that you had been thinking of.

It reminds me of alignment in yoga.  After doing my wonderful training in Open Source Yoga under the humble and incredible Dan Clement, I realized more than anything that I am a student.  I often felt like there were huge gaps in my knowledge of yoga after doing mainly kundalini and restorative for so long.  I did not know about specific muscles, about how to protect your body from harm in poses.  I did not know that setting the foundation in your feet was so important, nor the wonderful effects of physical adjustments.  Most intriguing to me was the energy work that we did around chakras and the inner body.  Make your inner body bright.  This is such a beautiful refrain.

So when we are in the flow, in yoga, it is often difficult to maintain alignment.  Because we are moving quickly, the teacher cannot give adequate cues and enough time to really get in to the specific cells and muscles of the body.  Yet is possible to find alignment in flow?  Absolutely.  At times, we may feel the pace of yoga, the pace of life, to be faster.  Or we may feel the intuitive nudge to slow down.  We may need to pause.  We may let our fingers do the talking as they type away on our keyboards or we may consciously frame our thoughts in the most efficient way.  We have choices.

I have been reading Pema Chodron recently - she is a marvelous writer and soul.  My great friend Christina recommended her and I am so grateful.  Chodron suggests placing reminders throughout your day (eg. on your computer, on your wall) to take 3 conscious breaths and become present.  I have been trying to do this and it is working wonders.  To just breathe and let everything go.  To take the opportunity of a mounting emotion, a rising situation, and just breathe to recalibrate.  Just breathe and get back in touch with your body and heart. To move the energy down and away from our minds where it just circles and circles furiously and to no end.

I have met some amazing people recently - often these meetings felt orchestrated by something bigger than me.  But I just feel like the world is full of friends, of souls that are in alignment, of people that are aware of their souls, and of breathing - that connects us to our true self whenever we choose.  Whatever you believe, whatever religion you may follow, you are a human being.  And that is a miracle in itself.

Dancing in the Park

A few days ago I had the enormous pleasure of dancing in the park.  Near where I live, there are free dance lessons every week in a popular park and people who don't know each other dance together...it is an innocent and lovely way to build a community.  In this age of insulated, separate lives, where doors are triple locked and alarmed, when we are so fearful simply walking down the street alone - I think this dance initiative is so beautiful.  It gave us the chance to connect without words and from our hearts.  There was humour, positivity, and movement.  There is something beautiful about letting your body melt with the music, and being surrounded by other souls lost in honest expression.

source: http://www.deconcrete.org/2010/02/14/barefoot-in-the-park/

After So Long

After so long, I have returned to my trusty keyboard and my non-existent readers! Haha.  Well maybe you exist?  It doesn't really matter though.  I'm happy I am writing again.

The last few months have been a whirlwind of adventure, emotion, new places, new friends, new spaces.  I was travelling for a month, getting my yoga certification for 5 weeks, and now I am settling into a new home. I have been learning to trust the process of life again.

When I moved into my new place, I finally had nothing to do but simply live and settle in.  This was strangely unsettling.  My family and I were mostly alone in a very densely populated place where nobody would say hi.  After my experiences at Pearson College and university residences, this was a huge shock!  How many other places in the world are like this?  We are constantly staring into other peoples' houses, literally a window into their lives, but we hardly know who they are.  It is saddening.  So last night I was grateful to finally meet the lovely lady across the lane from me and it was a huge relief.

But moreover, loneliness was a repercussion of emptiness.  I felt like I had no purpose settling in here, I was simply purchasing furniture and existing.  I was being and that was it.  I was confronted with my own mind and my need to stay constantly busy (and perhaps distracted).  It was only until I began volunteering at a daycare, a farm, and a fair trade organization that my life began to feel the infusion of meaning.  Is this because meaning comes from our relationships? Our communities?  Our work?  Or does it come from being in alignment with your true nature?

I read the Tao of Pooh recently  (by Benjamin Hoff) and I thoroughly enjoyed reading about Taoism and the Inner Nature of things and the practical sense of living in harmony with the world around us. I highly recommend it.

Last night I listened to some fantastic live music - here's a taste of the artist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3jKOCttrKs&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL710A36EB1D5AEC6B

As always wishing you all the love that exists in this magnificent world.

Let the sun shine
Let the moon glow
Let the rain fall
Let the sea flow

Inspiration

So thanks for hanging in there, dear reader!  I have just finished my 200 hour training and I am now a certified yoga teacher, and on our last day some of my peers shared some beautiful thoughts.  I thought I would share them with you.

--

photo by Mark Kelsey

 

If I had my life to live over again
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I’d relax.
I’d limber up.
I’d be sillier than I’ve been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances,
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would, perhaps, have more actual troubles but fewer imaginary ones.
you see, I’m one of those people who was sensible and sane,
hour after hour,
day after day.
Oh, I’ve had my moments.
If I had to do it over again,
I’d have more of them.
In fact, I’d try to have nothing else- just moments,
one after another, instead of living so many yeas ahead of each day.
I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot-water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute.
If I could do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had to live my life over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances,
I would ride more merry-go-rounds,
I would pick more daisies.

- Nadine Stair

---

And one I like:


"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,the world is too full to talk about.Ideas, language, even the phrase each otherdoesn't make any sense."
-Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

Long Time, New Country

Dear lovely readers,

So much time has passed I don't know if you remember me! I am writing this post from the bedroom of a very kind UWC grad who has so kindly allowed other UWCers to couchsurf- even if she isn't home.  The leaves are fluttering elegantly in the breeze outside this historic building made of stone in Edinburgh.

  I am currently travelling in the UK visiting old and new friends.  It has been an absolutely spectacular journey so far. So many people have reinstalled my faith in humanity and I am so grateful to have had many spontaneous experiences thus far!

Many things happened today:

- I went to a farmers market and a craft market
- I found myself spontaneously in the middle of a free Palestine protest
- I climbed a beautiful hill called Arthur's seat in Edinburgh
- I made a new beautiful friend from Germany atop previously mentioned hill
- I had a lovely conversation and tea in a park
- I bought a sweater for $7 since Scotland is colder than expected!
- I skyped with a dear friend - had a spontaneous nap - finally updated this blog.

The last month of my first year at university was a whirlwind of lovely times with lovely people, studying and completing exams, packing up, and saying goodbye....I will write more reflections as soon as I can and include some photos :)

Much love to you,
Emmy

Lucky to be Busy

Dearest patient readers,

Well it has been ages since I wrote. The last 3 weeks or so have been so jam packed, having time to find my breath has escaped me, and I have not been able to think past the next hour, never mind get onto Blogger. But everyone's busy these days aren't they? It used to bug me so much when people would make excuses: "Sorry! Can't do that! I'm busy!"

Well hello then, Busy.

What does busy mean anyway? I'm tired of being busy. You know, just as I wrote that, I thought - wow, what a privileged thing to say.  What have I been busy with?  Getting post-secondary education in one of the best countries, at one of the best schools. Poor me.

 Nevertheless, I am going to make it my mission to fill my life with things that are important instead of getting sucked up by busyness.

I've been thinking a lot about my trip to Kenya lately with the Kule Foundation and whenever I start to feel ungrateful or burnt out I look into the eyes of the little children whose photos are up on my wall.  I remember talking with the Women's Empowerment group at Kibera Hamlets.  I remember the looks of amazement on peoples' faces when I told them I would be going to university.  I was baffled.  Why were they so impressed?  Why did I never realize the true privilege of being able to attend UBC? 

If the next part of the post sounds silly, it is because I am trying to describe something that is not really meant for words to describe.

I feel lucky.  It never ceases to amaze me just how diverse our experiences are, all determined by something so random (or maybe not so random) as who our parents are and where we live.  I feel lucky for my wonderfully supportive and loving parents.  I feel lucky for my incredible brother and my enlightening, kind grandparents.  I feel lucky for the roof over my head, for the books on my shelf, for the sunshine outside.  I feel lucky.

I also feel lucky to be healthy.  Someone close to me is very ill and I cannot imagine what kind of suffering and pain many people must be going through. I am in awe of the undefeatable human spirit inside, in awe of  courage, in awe of the willingness to grow and accept what life throws at us.  We don't know what could be tossed our way in the next minute, we don't know what will present itself as we turn the next corner.

Speaking of corners, I have now entered my third decade of life.  No, I am not 30.  But it is a milestone and it was a lovely birthday despite not being a spectacular Pearson extravaganza.  The past ten years have been such an incredible and unforeseen journey.  I have found myself in places and circumstances that seemed impossible or limited to my imagination...I have seen many dreams manifest, I have met many wonderful souls, I have learned a few things.

And I have a lot more to learn.  Life as a 20 year old seems pretty amazing at the moment.  Thank you for everything.  Thank you for everything.  Thank you for everything.

May you feel grateful for the blessings in your life, even if they don't look like blessings yet.

With a full heart,
Emmy

Picture from Rejoice - UBCO's first ever international fashion show, featuring clothes from UBCO students' closets and Toronto Fashion Week.  For more see: ubco.tv and http://bookedstyle.blogspot.ca/2012/03/rejoice-fashion-show_29.html

Wednesday Sunset

I stand outside the side door
Time stops and the sky pulls me in
A warm embrace of wonder I am staring
Helpless into depths of crimson hue
And I am filled with feeling so true
It simmers down to my fingertips. I drop
What I am holding and I literally embolden
With spontaneous sprinting and I run,
I run, I run up, up, that hill I am searching for light.
I am chasing the sky.  Sky chasers, you and I.

She is fading. So fleetingly
Dancing in vibrant colour
I catch glimpses of spins and turns.
And I am prancing up the gravel
Without a care in the world
I am under the influence.
I am under the influence of Beauty
And Earth's gentle caress and the wind
And the night and the coyote and the
Bear and me, we all stand there.
Up high.  We stand to meet the sky.

I sit on a rock.
I watch as the sun drops
Behind the hills and I hear shrill
Cries of wolves and fear brushes
My skin but I remember
The place I'm in. It is not mine.
I ask for protection and
I take the sign of black and blue
Clouds as my moment to turn back
and now I walk in peace

Spirit filled with lingering sun
I know in my heart
What's done is done.

Camera Obscura For You

You see, I have this awesome friend named Belen Fromparaguay.  :)  She has great taste in music and is one of the most talented and down to earth people I know.  She told me about these two songs and they always make me feel better after a long day.  Friends are flowers in the garden of life.

The Small Stuff

I read a beautiful blog post today that changed my outlook  .  The last few weeks have been challenging and it is so easy to forget what beauty is made out of and how it fades to invisibility while we are down.  So as Robert Crampton says:  The small stuff, that you think is the small stuff,  and then you get older and realise that the small stuff is what actually matters.

I hope I don't have to get old to realise that.  I would like to realise it now.

I like waking up to my blinds illuminated by brilliant morning sunshine and then hoisting them open to reveal snow capped hills rolling with patchwork farms at their feet.  I like hugs and feeling someone else's heartbeat. I like being outside under a tree in fresh air and breathing there.  I like the grass under my bare feet when the dew is still evaporating.

I like looking out of a bus or plane window and marvelling at transport and how we humans are capable of miracles.  I like someone patting my back gently while I am crying.  I like it when people play guitar from their heart and let the strings reverberate in tune with their soul.

I like gatherings.  When people of all streets of life begin to walk together or listen to music together or do yoga together or watch a movie together.  I like spontaneous conversations.  I like realizing you have so much in common with a stranger.  I like talking and sharing and reading poetry aloud.  Support groups, snail mail, phone calls, and love.  That's all I need to keep going after a hard day.

And there is the still tranquillity of solitude.  I like being alone sometimes.  Listening to life and being inside my body.  I like living simply.  I like it when I manage to focus on thing at a time, a practise that proves so very difficult when I fly and whiz through life like a jet through the clouds.

The ocean has always rocked me to sleep.  I could stay for hours at a beach, feeling the reassuring tide against my toes.  Flowers and leaves and small notes that say please.  All of that is golden.  I love driving with my mom and listening to my dad's stories, I like hearing my brother open up and absorbing wisdom from my grandparents.  I like cooking with my friends and baking as therapy.  I like it when people come through for other people.  I like old fashioned warmth.

Fireplaces delight me.  So does the smell of new wood.  I love the tall trees at Pearson College and I will never forget the cleansing submerge of Bay Jumping.  I love it when people sit on a bed and talk from their hearts and create something wonderful. I like it when hard work pays off. I like it when I've had a busy day, but when it's done I know at least I accomplished something.

I like snaking up high in the skytrain and zooming by in the fleeting presence of human spirits devoid of pasts and futures. I like the mysterious romances that happen on the skytrain when you glance at each other secretly and it seems like attraction is a magnetic glance and you're entranced without speaking a word.  I love flowy soft clothes and gasps and sighs and when you know someone is overtaken by surprise.

I like story-telling.  I like whales.  I like butterflies in Spring.   I like feeling free and liberated and perfectly content with what is.  I guess I like remembering what makes life joyous and I like searching for the small stuff that makes your heart bigger.

May you appreciate the joy and love that surrounds you, and may you have the courage to look for it.

Taking a Break

Reading break is officially over in three hours.

I have done a minimal amount of reading, but a fair amount of relaxing.  It's a bit hard to comprehend that even on "a break" we are still working. Is doing nothing a crime?  I'm not advocating we all become sloths - I believe in hard work - but I also believe in balance.

Balance escapes me every now and then though, and those that I love sometimes see me falling down familiar pathways of pain.  Can we free ourselves from our past or are we doomed to repeat the same mistakes?  I find myself so easily over-committed.  I'm the first person to tell someone else to relax and sometimes the last person to actually unwind.  The word yes comes hurtling out of my mouth at break-neck speeds when asked to help, and all of a sudden I am on my knees with things to do and places to go.

The other thing on my mind is, achieving a high grade is something that I say I don't care about, but when I find myself achieving  a satisfactory mark instead of an excellent mark it translates to failure. I don't get it!  I wish I could be happy with an A-.  I can't help but wonder if there is a better way to assess learning....

I guess I only have a few more years of formal education and then all of this will seem so far away. As much as I love learning, I am looking forward to figuring out my own answers and having the freedom to live the way I choose.  This is SUCH a luxury! How lucky we are to be able to live the lives we desire.

So on days like this, when I feel lonely and a bit discontent  I need to remember to be grateful for the roof over my head, the food in my stomach, the incredible family I was born to, the friends I have found, the lessons I can learn, and the Earth that keeps it all spinning.

Life could be as simple as the wind.

How To Be Alone

Chasing Stars

Train tracks point us forward
On the bends and turns we tip
Precariously on the edge of this
Cart, but I love the motion.
We are being pushed by the wind
Chasing the sky
Submerged in the sea
Climbing the trees
In our imaginary journey.

Sometimes my thoughts
Drift to you and what
Depths are held in your
Eyes and I fall deeper
Sinking into the abyss
Of bliss.

We are running through a field.
We are laughing.
We are falling down.

Chasing stars
Pitch black night
I can't see where I am going
Car headlights in the background
Illuminate the road only five meters
Ahead, you are driving safely.
We don't know where we are going
We can only see the next steps.

On the edge of stone
I think about jumping
The cliff is tempting
Why would I do it?
I want to feel the wind whipping
My scars and let them fade
Into the air like tendrils of smoke
And I listen to the far away
Bells resounding, countryside
Faith and all of that Grace.

Pillow talk.
That's what we search for.
Words to light up our lungs
So that when we breathe,
We scatter sunlight.

Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows

Today was one of those days that was illuminated with joy.  The clouds were illuminated by sunlight and it streamed into my skin.  I felt so infused with happiness, I almost couldn't contain it!

This might sound a bit crazed, but I wrote an 8 page essay for political science, and it was so enjoyable!  It was on a really fascinating topic (the Liberian civil war in IR theory) and I learned so much.

I sat outside the EME building today and felt so thankful I live in such a beautiful place.  The rolling mountains and the fields and vineyards, the birds and the pines.   It is a true privilege to live in such a safe, free, beautiful country.  Thank you.

A strange video, a great song.

Wishing you much love.

The Wailin' Jennys

This music really sums up how I have been feeling today.  Camille always has this playing in her room and I find it a comfort to hear it, since it is a comfort to have her in my life.  Thank you Camilley for all those wise words.

The Sound of Settling

It's been a while.   The days gently melted into each other, much like the snow layering outside my window.  Life at university is starting to settle.  I am so happy with my courses this term (as you can read on earlier posts) and I am developing some wonderful connections with students, professors, and friends.  I am starting to feel like I am carving out a space for myself here at university and I have embarked on some new adventures including volunteering at the campus daycare and organizing and international fashion show.

That elusive community feeling that was so prevalent at my former school reaches me in gasps.  Sometimes I glimpse what it feels like to belong, but it's never there for long.   I hope with some time, I can find my community.

Sometimes I get this magical feeling.  It's hard to describe.  It's like this step-back-awareness that I am a real-life university student whose life is dedicated to learning, in an open, beautiful environment.  It's this sudden happiness for being where I am at this point in my life - everything just seems to click.  In those moments I feel grateful for life and all the abundance I have been blessed with. I wake up each day to a room and a roommate overflowing with peace and loving kindness.  A wonderful family, their unconditional love, brand new adventures on the horizon, and new friends around the corner - what more could I ask for?  I really mean it when I say I am grateful, I am grateful from my heart right down to my toes.

Sometimes we don't have to know where we are going.  We can just be content with what is.

---
Here's an on-the-moment poem:
---

The soil broke
And Life burst free.

Walking down an alleyway
Spring flowers overhead
I still hear the whispers of
Everything we said.
Life was easy then -
Chasing butterflies
Sun streaked skies,
We didn't even realize,
We left them all behind.

The sun begins to warm and
Ooze over the horizon,
Fondue over fruit.
The days follow suit.
Skies come, they go,
Endless flow
Of change.
It rained.

And what was, remains.
In the whisper of dawn
The drum beating on,
In the pages being turned
And the stories re-learned,
We find ourselves whole.

The water as it arrives
And away with the tide
With the sun and its glow
And the storm and the snow
I know it's all right,
I can welcome the night.

We breathe out, we breathe in
What will be,
What has been.
It is a letting go, a letting in,
A let's go!  There is a guide
In the skies, a power,
Pushing the path forward.
And I will walk.
I will try to follow the sky.

Going "Home"

"Peace - that was the other name for home."  ~Kathleen Norris

Maybe we all have many homes.  Perhaps there are many places where we feel we belong, fitting like a snug jigsaw piece.  Maybe it's on the beach or in the forest or in our favourite room or in the arms of someone we love.  One home is not better than another, they all have the unique flavours of a certain time in our lives and we can appreciate them equally. We can feel thankful for the feeling of home that transcends physical location.

It's always a peculiar thing to walk over the footsteps of your past.   This weekend was magical, overwhelming, beautiful, and moving.    I went to a place that meant the world to me and talked with people I love from the bottom of my heart and lungs.  It was strange and familiar, an outsider in a place I go to every day in my mind.

 I felt the familiar peace, the smell of that wood place, surrounded by the sea.  These memories that are permanently stamped on my soul floated there, loaded in the present, and I felt the strange distance of time settling in my bones discreetly changing my direction. 

I am walking down the forest path and I am marvelling at the tall towering trees.  I am in awe of those grand beings, looking up and reaching down simultaneously.  I want to be like them.  I want to bundle up all the joy, community, and adventure that I experienced in those two years, make it a concentrate, and bottle it up for a rainy day.

I am sitting in front of beautiful eyes and smooth skin and the words between us are just pointers toward a much deeper connection, a beam shining into the other, a beam illuminating each of our hearts even more.

I am walking with the tides and I hear their reassuring constancy, cleansing the past, clearing the future, making the present.  I feel so at peace watching the sunlight ripple through the aquamarine depths.  Sitting on a chilly rock on a crisp day I am home.

The Intensity of Academia

Hey Folks!

Don't know who is hanging in there with me on this second, more humble attempt of a blog, but thank you for reading!  I guess the more unique setting of Pearson attracted lots of (UWC-interested) readers last time, but I'm unsure of how to make my university life sound more exciting and cutting-edge.   Have any ideas?  Haha.

Anyways thought I'd give you a run down on my amazing courses this term.  I am taking:

- International Politics (with a prof who supposedly works for the UN! And he's a UWC grad!)
- Indigenous Literature (English) with one of my all-time favorite profs
- Gender Studies - Race and Class - another incredibly intelligent prof
- Gender Studies - 2nd part of introduction - don't know her well, but cool prof too!
- Anthropology (Women in Cross-Cultural Perspective) with a prof who is taking a very different approach to learning which involves keeping a journal worth 25% of our mark!  I like!

As you can see, my courseload is a bit gender-heavy and very artsy but I adore pretty much all of the classes.   Recently though I've had some particularly engaging and thought-provoking discussions in said courses.

First, we discussed the slightly scary reality of modern day eugenics in my race, class and gender class.  We talked about the access to "designer babies" and the fact that apparently the US has outlawed red-headed men to donate sperm to the main sperm bank.   I find this terribly offensive.  Did you know that Canada and the US have very different legal approaches to sperm banks?  For example, in Canada it is illegal to get paid to donate sperm.  Also, we looked at the fascinating sector of gender studies that relate to reproductive technology and the dangers of manipulating genes.  Personally I think things always get a bit sketchy when we mess with nature too much!

Secondly, in my indigenous lit course we had a VERY heated conversation about Canada's identity in terms of First Nations (exuding to the rest of the world) as well as oral traditions being considered a form of literature.  Naturally the content of these conversations can easily get very disturbing, personal, and heavy as we do have people in the class whose families attended residential schools and are still impacted by the intergenerational trauma.  It is hard sometimes to separate people and ideas, but my peers did a great job of disagreeing respectfully.   Not to mention, our wondrous professor is talented at maintaining a sense of middle ground and compassion as she pretty much embodies compassion herself.   I find it incredible to be intellectually stimulated this term.  Instead of being the only person to speak, suddenly there are so many voices jockeying for attention that I sometimes get overlooked!  It's actually great to see!  

I guess taking second year classes was a good choice this semester.

Today I also got an endorphin high after my international politics course since it was so challenging and fascinating I was captivated the entire 90 minutes.  It was one of those classes (like a great movie) that you just didn't want to end.

So by now I must sound like a total nerd, so I will stop gushing over getting high off academics and the natural stimulants of intelligent conversation.

I guess it's my drug.

Secrets

I am a big fan of postsecret.  If you've never heard of it before you should check it out.   It's a simple idea.  People send in their anonymous secrets on postcards or in other creative ways to this cool guy named Frank.  The secret must be true and you cannot have told anyone.    Frank posts the secrets on a simple blog.  That's it.   What results is an incredible force that unites people and brings a bit more precious honesty in the world.   As of today, there have been 501 588 609 visitors.

 I always look forward to Sundays because that's when Frank puts up this week's secrets, full of angst, joy, truth, and the beauty of being human.

Part of me ponders the sadness that we were too afraid to speak our truth in person.  At least we had the courage to do something about it.

Today there was a really powerful secret that said " I feel guilty because I convicted my rapist."   It sent shivers sprinting down my spine and I couldn't help but wonder why we add so many unnecessary layers to our pain.  To that person - it wasn't your fault.  The Buddha calls what you are feeling the second arrow of suffering, if I remember correctly.  Loosely meaning - suffering exists.  That is ok.  It's when we shoot ourselves again with guilt or blame or any of those extra ugly add-ons that the pain really hits us.   Why shoot the arrow twice?  It already hit us in the heart.

Maybe we add on guilt because we don't feel comfortable enough feeling the initial suffering that is bound to exist.

Of course I have not mastered this skill.  I believe if we stripped everything down to the bare minimum we would find love.  We are always either acting in fear or love, and my counsellor once told me, choose love. Much easier said than done.  Fear cuts deep.  Love heals the wound.

So many times in my life I have kept secrets.  I am sad I have not always been truthful in expressing my negative feelings.  I push down the beach ball into the water and it bursts back with so much power.  I guess I don't need to be afraid of feeling anything.  Emotions are a guidance system not something that destroys.

Here's the song that's playing as I write this:

Being Vulnerable

As you may know, I'm a huge fan of TED talks.  I could listen to them for days.

My dearest friend Liz showed me this gem.  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Enjoy!

I have just arrived back "home" to university.   As Christian Morgenstern says, "Home is not a place, it is where they understand you."

May 2012 hold much peace, joy, and understanding for you.