Givingthanks

Dear Source,

 

I don't thank you enough.  So here goes, on the one day of the year dedicated to gratitude (my favorite holiday of all, perhaps) I devote this blog post to sharing how thankful I am for all you have given.

 

Let's start with Life.  I'm glad to be alive, here and now in this present moment with these living breathing beings around me.  Thank you for this healthy body. I'm thankful to be comfortable and well-provided for and to have the ability to provide for myself.  I'm thankful for the light that streams in through my sheer curtains every morning and the way the living room looks when people are all lit up inside too.  I want to thank you for showing me dark and light - a deconstructed dichotomy.  Two things inextricably linked and tied to another - I guess I want to be grateful for the deconstruction.  For the decolonizing.  For the knowing and the learning, the failing and the growing, and of course always for the mystery.

 

Now let me get personal.  Thank you for the people I was born to, my loving and dear family.  The people who have shaped me, nurtured me, loved me, had picnics in hospitals with me, the people that have picked me up, dusted me off and told me that everything will be okay.  I want to reach out and tell my friends that they are the best in the world. Thank you Source, for teaching me that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.  And for continually sending me the coolest souls.

 

So thank you to the ones that guided me.  The ones that empathetically and compassionately held me. Thank you to the ones that told me to smarten up.  Thank you especially to those who held up a mirror and encouraged me to polish the mirror of my heart.  The ones that listened on the other end of the line even when they didn't understand.  The ones that picked up the phone in the first place.  The ones that prayed and sent love. And of course, the ones who told me to be strong and allowed me to be weak, vulnerable and scared, too.  The ones that didn't shy away when the fire began to burn too bright.  The ones that stayed.

 

Now give me the pleasure of being grateful for the ones that left.  The ones that were scared or hurt or angry or lost.  The ones that couldn't stay with me.  Thank you for the lessons they taught me, for the way they illumined my insides.  The ones that taught me how to be alone and to find peace.

 

I cannot help but be thankful for all of it.  For the both/and.  The sadness, the joy.  The giving, the receiving.  The tide that flows and ebbs and the moon that rises and sets.  We are made of stardust.  Thank you for that.  Thank you for the sun and the stars and the constellations I don't know anything about, the ones that I marvel at anyways. 

 

Yoga has been a big part of it.  Here's to the deep Namaste.  Here's to my teachers - Dan, Katie, Jot Prakash.  Here's to my students, all of them teach me more than I can say.  Here's to the practice.  The path.  Each to our own, yet interconnected and crossing more and more.

 

Thank you Source for the ugly parts of Emmy.  For the drama queen, the control freak, the quirky weirdo, the seductress, the "nice" person, the clutz - all of the strange and interesting parts that make up who I am.  The parts I am uncomfortable with.  Thank you for the imperfections that make me perfect.

 

And Love.  Always Love.  The only thing that is real is Love and for that I will be forever indebted and eternally lastingly beautifully grateful.  Love is what ties us together and gets us caught in knots and then laughing as we become undone.  Love is the glue, the pieces, and the mosaic.  Love is it all.  Love is us and we are Love.

 

So dear Source, how could I ever say thank you? I can only live my life in joy and let the Light be spread far and wide.  That is my path, my journey.  To heal.  To speak.  To be true to who I am, who you made me....who we have become together.  And be there as a witness as others do the same.  And to smile wide.

 

Thank you for keeping the Earth spinning.  This beautiful green-blue planet of abundance.
 

From the sky to the core, I am thankful.

Thank you.

 

Yours,

Emmy

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, dear Universe

 

 

As I stare out of the window, I can see an amber haze illuminating the towering evergreens.  I missed the tall trees.  Life has continued to spin since the last time I wrote, and the summer has been ripe with many gifts and new friendships.  I am feeling grateful and grounded.

I just read my last post and as I did, a surge of anxiety pulsed through my veins.  What will they think of me?  A familiar refrain.  When I look back on my life, sometimes it is hard to differentiate the decisions I made for myself and the ones I made for others.  Do this, and you will be successful, they told me.  Get good grades.  Work hard.  Be responsible. Serve humanity. Save the world. The burdens of these messages became too much for me on several occasions and in the last two years my priorities have certainly shifted.  The truth is that our goal driven culture, our 40 hour work week, our crazy expectations, our relentless consumerism have caused a mental health epidemic.  I know I am not the only one who is sensitive enough to feel this.

My ambition has morphed into...gentle appreciation of daily life.  My drive has become more of an intentionally slow paced stroll.  I have socialized more and studied less.  I have changed my career trajectory and my major.  I have spent more time outside, floating on my back in the lake - closing my eyes, letting the soft ripples carry me away.  Surrender instead of struggle.  In fact, yesterday I had this momentary urge to get a tattoo of the word "Surrender" and a bird next to it.  Perhaps I will do it in henna instead.

Am I self-centered saying all of this?  What I long for is to be centered within myself, overflowing with love to pour into the Earth and all of the magnificent creatures that live here.  All I want to do is feel alive.  To be present with every breath.  To be moved by the butterflies and the daisies that open every morning and close every night.  I want to be enchanted by little children.  To feel the ground beneath me and plant a garden in the dirt. To do yoga and get in touch with the stillness that is my true nature.  To open my heart to the light.  Be guided by spirit and in touch with this reality, I'd like to be surrounded by people that know and practice that love, joy, and peace is all there is.

Is that too much to ask for?

Perhaps.  Because I know there will be times when I bonk my head, stub my toe, and cut my finger. I will probably forget to remember how good rain feels when I am getting soaked on the way to school. And there will be times when those that I love are sick, or times when I am sick, or times when I am blinded by my ego and its selfish desires.  But during days like this, when I feel most connected to Source - I know that I can draw upon the unconditional love of the Universe to help me through.  That endless reserve of compassion that created the miracle of this Universe, created us too. 

I'm 100% sure that I've lost some of you by now.  All of this spiritual airy fairy nonsense, I can hear you say.  Is Emmy on crack?  She's talking about God too much.  Not to fear, my friends, I guarantee you that I'm still here.  I'm definitely a spiritually oriented person and a lot of my more...let's say rational, friends bring up the whole science vs. God thing.  The thing is, that I think a lot of what science and spirituality have to say is actually the same.  A great book about that is called Happiness by Mathieu Ricard.

Anyways, the reason all of this existential pondering has been on my mind is because I lost a friend recently.  Sarah died tragically while hiking in Waterton National Park and I will miss her deeply. The short time we spent together was wonderful.  Sarah was so kind, gentle, patient, and she followed her heart - all the way to Italy and New Zealand.  She was incredibly passionate about the outdoors.  On an expedition that we went on in New Zealand, I forgot to bring socks and mine had been drenched in cold rain.  My feet were cold and wet.  Sarah offered me her favorite pair of socks immediately and we shared a tent.  We also shared a love of music and another day, outside a building at the University of Canterbury we laughed as our harmonies didn't get quite work out (I hadn't sung properly in a long time).  She helped me realize that life is beautiful, precious, and fragile. 

What a gift - to live life on your own terms.  To stand in your authentic power, not one that control or belittles others, but to exist from a place of honest integrity.  One where you stand, centered in yourself radiating peace for miles.  Everyone can feel it.

We are spinning around in space, orbiting in some strange way, in a Universe that goes on for eons.  We are born and we die, and in the space between we have this miraculous opportunity to enjoy the ride.  As Michael A. Singer eloquently writes,

" You can turn your eyes from the sun's light and live in darkness for a hundred years.  If you then turn towards the light, the light is still there.  It is there for you just the same as for the person who has enjoyed its brilliance for a hundred years.  All of nature is like this.  The fruit on the tree willingly gives itself to everyone.  Do any of the forces of nature differentiate?  Does anything in God's creation, other than the human mind, actually pass judgement?  Nature just gives and gives to whoever will receive.  Should you choose not to receive, it doesn't punish you...If you say to the light, 'I will not look at you.  I'm going to live in darkness,' the light just keeps shining.  If you say to God, 'I don't believe in you and want nothing to do with you,' creation continues to sustain you." (The Untethered Soul, pg. 179-180).

Thank you Michael Singer.  Thank you Sarah.  Thank you, dear Universe, for everything.

Sarah Lamarche, 1991-2014.

Freedom and a Tendency to Feel

Well folks, it's been a long time.  Nearly two months to be exact.  First off - I hope you are well and thanks for sticking with me on this modest little blog.  I find it incredible how I can somehow transmit these words across the world and have absolutely no idea who is reading.  Yet I feel connected as I write.  Maybe that is the reason why I write in the first place, to feel part of a community.  Maybe that's the reason why I live too.  Life is truly about relationships, isn't it? Blogging is wonderful because it allows so much liberty...it's freeing to just write in a stream of consciousness. So that's what this post will be about - just an oozing stream of consciousness at this fine moment in time.

I've been thinking a lot about freedom these days.  It's something that is easy to take for granted.  Something that has intrinsically informed my day to day life and I never really noticed.  Oftentimes, I simply forgot that I was so free.  Of course, the moment when you no longer have something is the same moment you realize how valuable it is.

For me, this moment of realization occurred as I was staring out of a hospital window while on the psych ward.  I saw a stranger, a woman, walking on the street below me.  Just casually crossing the street.  Suddenly, I was overcome with envy, grief, frustration, and helplessness.  I knew that I was no longer free.  I could not walk on the street until a doctor gave me permission to do so.  I could not leave.

 Now, I think there is a fine line between control and freedom.  There are many times in our lives when we have no control, and some argue that life itself is uncontrollable.  Perhaps we have little to no power over our circumstances.  Yet freedom can be found inside of us, even as we battle external challenges. Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, is a valiant example of this.  Kahlil Gibran, who is maybe my favorite poet writes:

"And my heart bled within me; for you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfilment.

 You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief,
But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound."

At that moment, in the hospital, I was a prisoner within myself.  I did not feel free in my mind and indeed my mind had taken me to frightening places.  But so had society - society had imprisoned me within four walls and pumped my blood with drugs, because my behavior was deemed unacceptable. And even though my psychological experience was at times frightening, it was also awe-inspiring and valuable.  It has taught me so much.

It has taken me nearly two  years to be able to write about this experience and I think that is mainly due to all of the negative connotations of mental illness.  I am so sick and tired of stigma.  Even after so many positive strides have been made in the areas of psychiatry and psychology, we still have a long journey ahead of us.  Several times, I have heard people refer to my "illness" as dangerous or a symptom of the "crazy" or the "insane" or the "homeless."  And little do my dear friends realize, that they are speaking with a perfectly normal, high functioning young adult who faces that particular tendency to feel....what they have assumed is so different from them is staring at them.  People with mental illness are "othered."  We are seen as abnormal, as different, as frightening, as sick.

I think we need a profoundly different lens to view this issue.  Mental illness exists.  But the people who suffer are exactly that - simply, suffering human beings.  They are not any less or any more than anyone else.  In fact, many of these "ill" people have many impactful gifts that they offer to the world.  Our minds are complex and we understand so little, yet our egos seem to strictly enforce norms and conformity.  If we were to be truly ourselves, what would happen?   To me, the spectrum of life experiences is vast.  We all experience things differently and perhaps we need to widen our perspective on what life is truly about.   Maybe we need to approach people who are suffering from "mental illness" with compassion.  Meet them where they are at.  Talk to them instead of inject them.  Love them instead of fear them.  Be there for them instead of lock them away.

I guess all of this philosophizing is a result of a few things that have happened recently.  One is that I was asked to complete a criminal record check for employment and a volunteer position.  Little did I know that in BC, if you have been involuntarily admitted to the hospital (and therefore encountered the Mental Health Act) that involved police, this will show up for a certain amount of time on your criminal record check.  That's right.  Criminal record checks disclose that kind of information.  Firstly, I find it appalling that "criminal" and "mental health" are used in the same context.  Ontario recently established laws to avoid this as discrimination can easily ensue. Now, I do understand that if someone has a very serious mental illness and this had led them to commit crimes, it should be all means by disclosed.  However, Mental Health Act occurrences (that have not involved a conviction) are still noted for 2-5 years following the incident. And like I said, until now I have not felt comfortable disclosing my mental health information to anyone besides those I deeply trust...yet on every criminal record check I complete evidence of my "occurrence" will show up.

You can gather from the above paragraph, that I was not in that psych ward because I wanted to be.  I still get irrationally frightened when I see a police car.  It is visceral.  My heart pounds, my palms sweat.   So secondly, I think police officers need better training to deal with those suffering from mental health issues - they cannot be treated the same as criminals!  Yes, I do understand if someone is deemed a threat to themselves or another person they do need treatment. But they also need compassion.  The police can be an important part of someone's recovery and healing, but they can also be a source of trauma.

Thirdly- mental health must  be treated holistically.  While at the hospital for 9 days, I did not receive a single talk therapy session.  Medication is for sure an important part of healing for many people, but it should not be the only answer.  Mental illness does not happen in a vacuum.  Most of the time, it is trauma and personal history that contributes greatly.  Yes, there may be genetic predispositions but I am sure that mental illness is not purely biological.  Food, exercise, travel, self-regulating skills, massage, acupuncture, reiki, counselling, and good old fashioned love have been so important in my healing.

Thankfully, there are many organizations out there who support those suffering and thriving with so-called "mental illness."  One of the coolest ones I have found is the Icarus Project,  and Sascha Altman Du Brul's incredible and honest article.  http://www.madinamerica.com/   is another fantastic resource.  The topic of Spiritual Emergency is also fitting, anything by Stanislav and Christina Grof is amazing - especially The Stormy Search for Self.  There are so many other resources that have proved so helpful.  Let me know if you want any more information.

I also want to say that life is beautiful for me right now.  I am so grateful for stability, for grounding, for healing, and for all the incredible souls that have helped me along the way.  I do not feel like I have any sort of illness, perhaps a tendency to feel, but I struggle to pathologize a part of myself.  It doesn't feel right.  So I'm choosing to love all of me, "crazy" parts included.

Phew.  This blog post has turned quite confessional, it took a lot for me to decide to share this.  I hope it helps.

All of my love,
Emmy

New Beginnings and Transitions

Lately I have been happy.  It seems that all the energy I have been sending out into the universe for the last few months (not to sound too new age-y) has finally begun to return.  I am meeting people and discovering new beginnings and feeling optimistic about the future. Isn't it funny how when you are stuck in a rut, wallowing in self-pity, it seems the fog engulfing you will never recede?  And then one day you take a deep breath and realize the sky is clear.  This morning my curtains were illuminated by the morning sun and the beauty blew me away.  It reminded me of first year, seeing my blinds lit up every morning.  There is something beautiful about mornings.  Something beautiful about new beginnings.

I am learning that there is value in all experiences.  I went to a club for the first time a few weeks ago...(I seem to have missed the "party phase" in first year) and while it was not a completely enjoyable experience, it opened my eyes.  Sometimes I feel like I need to live a little.  So that's what I've been focussing on recently, being open to opportunities and friendships that I would have overlooked before.

I can feel Spring nudging her way into my life, in the gentle breeze and soft sunshine on my eyelids...I look up at the trees and see them emerging.  Buds are appearing.  I think the transition from Winter to Spring is perhaps my favorite transition of all.  I can feel the coldness inside me beginning to melt.  Summer is coming.

http://favim.com/image/565595/original/

Words from the Ocean

I want to write well.
No I want to write good, so good, that you fall off your seat
So that the words snake around your heart, clench it tight in their grasp
And pull your insides out, because parts of you are dripping all over my
Paper.  And I want you to feel the inside of my hands as they dance across
The keyboard attempting to form places and people and passions
But sometimes it doesn’t work. I have tried.  Sometimes it is impossible
To try and coax that fish out of green blue waters and all you are left with
Are waves and ripples going out in every direction but landing no-where.
When all I want, more than anything, is for the waves to crash against
Your shore.  Meeting you and letting you go, but never leaving.
I want to write the kind of words people remember in their deep conversations,
“Oh yeah, I read this poem once and it totally described how I feel.”  I love
So much when you can reach into someone’s soul, your own, but it’s as if you
Scooped water from the collective ocean and the saltiness on your lips
Isn’t there because you had to bend down and drink.  It’s there because it is
In everyone and to me that is the sheer beauty of being able to write.  Of setting
This free on paper, or traveling through the wires to reach you wherever you are
I imagine this golden beam from my heart to yours at night sometimes,
It lights up the cities on the way, and when it finally reaches you, my magical energy
It warms up your heart so that you melt inside.  That is what I want, a strange sort of
Microwave from Mars that transmits light in all directions, a magical pen that
Pours love and heartache onto pages so that maybe one day, maybe one ordinary day
When everything else had crumbled to dust, scattered away,
The essence was still there, what I tried to portray
Made shadows on the sidewalk,
Imprints of what I had to say.

Skydiving and (un)Broken Cities

 I sat on the edge of the plane struggling to breathe.  The freezing air was whipping in my face and the sheer terror of what I was about to do was finally beginning to sink in.  Then, I was falling, hurtling through space with my eyes wide open.   I could see the cerulean ocean, majestic mountains, patches of farms and blue lakes. When I sent in my application for Go Global I never anticipated seeing the world from such a unique perspective.  This is a story of how my exchange to New Zealand opened my eyes.

I was drawn to two little islands at the bottom of the Earth because of the outdoor opportunities, the kiwi accent, and an intangible voice that reached into my heart and insisted, “Pick me!”  I chose to live in Christchurch, the largest urban center on the South Island because it was centrally located for travelling and because I was interested in how the city was recovering from two massive earthquakes.  I was intrigued by stories of resilience.

On February 22, 2011 at 12:51pm a magnitude 6.3 earthquake struck Christchurch.  Over 180 people died and much of the city’s infrastructure was destroyed.  During my first week in New Zealand I visited Sumner, an oceanfront suburb of Christchurch severely affected by the earthquake.  On top of the cliffs I could see houses ripped in half, rooms and furniture taken down with the crumbling hills.  While exploring the city center I could feel an eerie silence filling empty lots of demolished buildings. Shipping containers held up buildings that were still collapsing.  In the residential red zone, remnants of family life lay scattered across ten thousand empty houses. 

Despite the destruction, the people of Christchurch demonstrated courage and resourcefulness. The University of Canterbury (where I studied abroad) is home to the world-famous Student Volunteer Army which mobilized thousands of students after the earthquakes to contribute to non-life threatening relief work.  A call center was set up and students shovelled tonnes of silt caused by liquefaction.  I took an inspiring class at UC called Christchurch 101 based around service learning.  We learned what kind of service is helpful, and our end of term project was establishing a community garden in a local neighbourhood.

Living in Christchurch taught me that a sense of community can be found in the most unlikely of places.  While attending a world music choir concert, I was spontaneously invited to a poetry slam.  In the sleepy suburb of New Brighton, everything was closed on a Saturday night except for a café teeming with 80 ukulele players jamming to old classics.  One evening, after chatting with me for half an hour, a lovely older couple invited me to see their baby goats in the spring. 

I am moved by the generosity and kindness pervasive in New Zealand.  This country is probably one of the last places on Earth where you can hitchhike.  The airport loudspeaker warns you to not let your children play on the escalator.  So many people I met expressed a reverence for the outdoors and an environmental consciousness.

I spent the last two months of my trip travelling around both islands.  It was during this time that I decided to go skydiving.  I found myself continually stunned by magnificent landscapes.  I hiked in an active volcano zone.  I jumped into frigid cold waterfalls.  I went eel fishing.  But despite all of these adventures, the lessons of community and resilience I learned while living in Christchurch continue to resonate.  Living in a city struggling to find its pulse was difficult at times, but taught me about myself and about life.  

The impacts of Go Global are far-reaching - I value certain things in Canada more, I want to travel more, my concept of education has widened, and I developed strong friendships. Whether you are contemplating travelling to a new country for a while, or sitting on the edge of a plane, I hope you keep your eyes open as you leap head first into a new adventure.

New Buildings and Lost Views

I am watching the construction workers install the third floor of a building that is conveniently going up right in front of our apartment.  The crane is swinging in the air and I am cringing.  Before the new building was going up, every night I would fall asleep to a valley of lights.  We always left our living room curtains open so we could see the glimmering beacons in the distance.  Now all of that will be gone.

The new construction is reminding me of a few universal truths.  1) Change is the only thing that is certain.  2) We get easily attached to the way we want things to be.  There is nothing I can do as I stare out the window except be mopey and miserable.  Or I could not be mopey and miserable. I can't halt the construction.  So alas, it is better to surrender.  It is better to witness the change and flow with it instead of resisting.  I know this truth intellectually, yet a part of me still mourns for a loss. Yes I was lucky to have a view in the first place, yes, the mountains are still there...yes, I can find things to be grateful for.

On another note, I've missed teaching yoga lately.  I'm still struggling to establish my daily practice but I usually fit yoga in most days.  I've realized that it is a huge passion of mine.  Sometimes it takes distance for us to realize what we truly care about.

In other news, I had a lovely break with my family.  I am endlessly grateful for their unconditional love and support. My family has taught me what love means.

I wrote an article for the student newspaper about my trip to New Zealand, I will post it right after this one.  I am feeling everything come full circle these days. I am feeling content overall, even as buildings block the view....I guess we can choose what to focus on - the view that remains or the view that is gone.

Yoga and Loneliness

This morning I went to yoga and as we practised I could see the snow lined tree branches outside scattering snowflakes in the wind.  All around me the mountains were dusted with white and I couldn't get over the fact that I live in such a stunningly beautiful place.  Every evening I fall asleep next to shimmering lights in the valley and every morning I see trees and mountains.

I think the natural environment has such an impact on us.  A friend of mine was telling me about a common plight facing many children today - Nature Deficit Disorder.  Do you think we are more or less connected to the Earth today than in the past?  I'm not sure, but I know I feel a million times better after a walk in the woods.

Lately I've been feeling lonely.  I know it is possible to be content in your own company, and most of the time I am.  Perhaps it is the fact that nearly all of my friends have significant others, and I do not.  Perhaps it is just insecurity.  Perhaps it is just loneliness, plain and simple.  Our society teaches us that it is necessary to be constantly stimulated and constantly surrounded by people.  It's another lie.  So is the belief that we need someone else to complete us.  My  head knows all of this, but my heart doesn't understand.

I also know that we are social creatures and my happiest days are ones where I am running into friends and feeling connected.  But is everything we need  within us?  Or do we need to look outside ourselves for wholeness?

Recently I painted a poem that is hanging up on my wall.  It seems to soothe my soul.  Here it is:

Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

- Mary Oliver

On Track

Hello dear readers,

There has been a cloak of fog enveloping the Okanagan the last few days and it feels like some sort of winter insulation.  I am back at school and slowly establishing a rhythm of study and life again.   First let me say, it is wonderful to be back.  It is wonderful to feel more like myself and happy again and to be reminded of how much I love this campus.  Recently, I was talking to someone in my class about the sense of community here, about how much I love the opportunities for connection. 

For example, we have a Collegia program here, which is basically a series of beautifully renovated living rooms on campus where commuter students (or any student) can study, nap, or socialize between classes.  I think our school is one of the very few in Canada that has a free program like this.  I think it is the responsibility of each student to take steps to get involved though...you can be offered all the opportunities in the world, but the important part is stepping up and saying yes.

My dear friend Makyla wrote me a letter about saying yes before I left for New Zealand.  It signified one of the biggest lessons I learned while I was there - embracing where you are.  Obviously you can't say yes to everything, there just isn't enough time in the day, but when you are open to the opportunities that present themselves life becomes so much more enriching. 

This semester I am taking some wicked classes - Sociology of Families, Cultural Studies Practices, Critical Theory, and Postcolonial Literature and Culture.  Each one has something valuable to offer and very often they overlap and complement each other.   For my extra curriculars I am swimming, dancing, kickboxing (maybe), guiding tours, doing yoga, and maybe volunteering at the daycare.

I am feeling good these days.  Happy about my decision to change majors and do Cultural Studies instead.  Settled in my new home with two incredible roommates and a mountain view.  Content with my activities.  Rejuvenated by my friendships.  Grateful for my family and the countless blessings around me.  I am feeling like I am on track, at last.

With much love,
Emmy

PS: Here are some photos of my (new) home: