A space to reflect on the university experience and the wider educational journey of life and love.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Thank you, dear Universe

 
 
As I stare out of the window, I can see an amber haze illuminating the towering evergreens.  I missed the tall trees.  Life has continued to spin since the last time I wrote, and the summer has been ripe with many gifts and new friendships.  I am feeling grateful and grounded.

I just read my last post and as I did, a surge of anxiety pulsed through my veins.  What will they think of me?  A familiar refrain.  When I look back on my life, sometimes it is hard to differentiate the decisions I made for myself and the ones I made for others.  Do this, and you will be successful, they told me.  Get good grades.  Work hard.  Be responsible. Serve humanity. Save the world. The burdens of these messages became too much for me on several occasions and in the last two years my priorities have certainly shifted.  The truth is that our goal driven culture, our 40 hour work week, our crazy expectations, our relentless consumerism have caused a mental health epidemic.  I know I am not the only one who is sensitive enough to feel this.

My ambition has morphed into...gentle appreciation of daily life.  My drive has become more of an intentionally slow paced stroll.  I have socialized more and studied less.  I have changed my career trajectory and my major.  I have spent more time outside, floating on my back in the lake - closing my eyes, letting the soft ripples carry me away.  Surrender instead of struggle.  In fact, yesterday I had this momentary urge to get a tattoo of the word "Surrender" and a bird next to it.  Perhaps I will do it in henna instead.

Am I self-centered saying all of this?  What I long for is to be centered within myself, overflowing with love to pour into the Earth and all of the magnificent creatures that live here.  All I want to do is feel alive.  To be present with every breath.  To be moved by the butterflies and the daisies that open every morning and close every night.  I want to be enchanted by little children.  To feel the ground beneath me and plant a garden in the dirt. To do yoga and get in touch with the stillness that is my true nature.  To open my heart to the light.  Be guided by spirit and in touch with this reality, I'd like to be surrounded by people that know and practice that love, joy, and peace is all there is.

Is that too much to ask for?

Perhaps.  Because I know there will be times when I bonk my head, stub my toe, and cut my finger. I will probably forget to remember how good rain feels when I am getting soaked on the way to school. And there will be times when those that I love are sick, or times when I am sick, or times when I am blinded by my ego and its selfish desires.  But during days like this, when I feel most connected to Source - I know that I can draw upon the unconditional love of the Universe to help me through.  That endless reserve of compassion that created the miracle of this Universe, created us too. 

I'm 100% sure that I've lost some of you by now.  All of this spiritual airy fairy nonsense, I can hear you say.  Is Emmy on crack?  She's talking about God too much.  Not to fear, my friends, I guarantee you that I'm still here.  I'm definitely a spiritually oriented person and a lot of my more...let's say rational, friends bring up the whole science vs. God thing.  The thing is, that I think a lot of what science and spirituality have to say is actually the same.  A great book about that is called Happiness by Mathieu Ricard.

Anyways, the reason all of this existential pondering has been on my mind is because I lost a friend recently.  Sarah died tragically while hiking in Waterton National Park and I will miss her deeply. The short time we spent together was wonderful.  Sarah was so kind, gentle, patient, and she followed her heart - all the way to Italy and New Zealand.  She was incredibly passionate about the outdoors.  On an expedition that we went on in New Zealand, I forgot to bring socks and mine had been drenched in cold rain.  My feet were cold and wet.  Sarah offered me her favorite pair of socks immediately and we shared a tent.  We also shared a love of music and another day, outside a building at the University of Canterbury we laughed as our harmonies didn't get quite work out (I hadn't sung properly in a long time).  She helped me realize that life is beautiful, precious, and fragile. 

What a gift - to live life on your own terms.  To stand in your authentic power, not one that control or belittles others, but to exist from a place of honest integrity.  One where you stand, centered in yourself radiating peace for miles.  Everyone can feel it.

We are spinning around in space, orbiting in some strange way, in a Universe that goes on for eons.  We are born and we die, and in the space between we have this miraculous opportunity to enjoy the ride.  As Michael A. Singer eloquently writes,

" You can turn your eyes from the sun's light and live in darkness for a hundred years.  If you then turn towards the light, the light is still there.  It is there for you just the same as for the person who has enjoyed its brilliance for a hundred years.  All of nature is like this.  The fruit on the tree willingly gives itself to everyone.  Do any of the forces of nature differentiate?  Does anything in God's creation, other than the human mind, actually pass judgement?  Nature just gives and gives to whoever will receive.  Should you choose not to receive, it doesn't punish you...If you say to the light, 'I will not look at you.  I'm going to live in darkness,' the light just keeps shining.  If you say to God, 'I don't believe in you and want nothing to do with you,' creation continues to sustain you." (The Untethered Soul, pg. 179-180).

Thank you Michael Singer.  Thank you Sarah.  Thank you, dear Universe, for everything.

Sarah Lamarche, 1991-2014.

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