2013:
Winter. Woke up. Trudged to class, couldn't understand why everyone else was smiling. Led tours. Taught yoga. Cried. Was quiet. Skied. Depression settled silently in my bones. Heaviness. Heaviness. Painful memories. Belly danced to distract myself. Painted for expression. Good conversations and comforting tea drinking with Camille. Tried to read. Couldn't concentrate. Stopped, withdrew, decided to try something new.
Spring. Came home. Left school. Learned about coffee and painting and yoga. Had conversations at Connections and felt renewed. The brainwaves started to move in a new direction. Birthday on an island. Delicious food. Makyla visits and more wonderful yoga. Portland. Sebastopol. Beautiful memories with Camille and Belen. Sipping chai and savouring lovely friendship. Ashram life. Looking inwards. Working in the garden. Hari Om. Exploring the Light. Quietness. Early nights and early mornings.
Winter (Summer). Magical plane ride with a dear old friend. Landed in New Zealand, landed in paradise. Hiking near golden sandy beaches and cerulean seas in the middle of winter. There are still flowers in this magnificent country. Devastated buildings. Devastated Christchurch. Sadness. Emptiness. Doubt. Campervan trips and sparkly vibrant Dunedin. Sheep stations and wilderness trips. Monday lunches with Leah. Movies and mountains. Rivers and running. Crossing the Avon every morning and walking to class. Yoga. Dancing. Meditation.
Spring (Autumn). Contentedness trickles back. Depression lifts softly and silently, floating away back to the sky. Marae visits and retreats with new friends. Laughter and little children. Wilderness beckons. Trekking. Navigating in the dark. School ends. Hiking in Fiordland. Sublime moments. Breathtaking landscapes. 1000 metres in elevation in 8 hours. Meeting North. A sweet week in Wellington. Seeing Avalanche City with Ellen. Bliss at Anahata Yoga Retreat. Seeing Golden Bay and forest and beautiful mornings. Fire ceremony. Biking to Pohara Beach. Bliss. Freedom. Exams.
Summer (Winter). Hiking near volcanoes. Eel fishing by moonlight. Jumping into waterfalls. Leaping into waterfalls. Leaping into...the abyss. Embracing life's magnificence. Skydiving. Bay of Islands. Beautiful walks. North. Awe-inspiring trees. Weak in the knees. Alone and happy. Alone and not alone. New friends. Waiheke Island. Parents come to visit. Windy road anxiety. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is okay. Fun times and kayak sailing and birds playing. Australia for a week and home. Friends and familiarity.
It is a journey, healing happens when we open to the present moment and let go. Thank you for all of the wonder and the love and the joy and the pain and the sorrow and all of it. Thank you for every single beautiful soul I encountered and shared time with. Thank you for the chance to live fully and deeply and to feel. Thank you for life. Thank you for life. Thank you for life.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
A Christmas Walk and Other Simple Beauties
Every Christmas, my family goes on a walk. It's pretty much our only tradition. We usually walk in a different place each year, occasionally switching it up and going snow-shoeing or embarking on some other walking-related activity. I like it because it's simple. We don't give each other material gifts anymore or even have a tree and decorations, but we spend time together and share food, conversation, and fresh air instead. To me, that's what Christmas is about - connection. What are your thoughts on traditions and the material culture of Christmas these days? How do you connect with those you love at this time of year? What can we give that doesn't end up in the garbage?
On a similar note, during my time off school, I began to volunteer at a very special coffee shop named Connections Coffeehouse in Burnaby. Connections is also an initiative that is about relationships first, coffee (and other material goods) second. It was the brainchild of a very inspiring woman named Brenda who believed that a gathering space was needed in her neighbourhood. Connections is situated in a very densely populated high-rise neighbourhood where people would rarely reach out and connect to each other. It's a non-profit coffeehouse run entirely by volunteers. They serve excellent coffee (it's JJ Bean for those Vancouverites out there)....but most of all you can't help but notice the friendly, community-oriented, loving atmosphere. People go to Connections for a conversation, or to have a playgroup, to meet a friend, or to meet a stranger...it's a gathering space in the truest sense. After living in Christchurch - a city where the city center was destroyed by earthquakes 2-3 years ago - I realized the importance of somewhere where people can hang out and enjoy each other's company. Again, a simple idea yielding extraordinary results. For more information about Connections (and to see a cool video that describes what they are about) see: http://connectionscoffee.ca/home/
I'm getting ready to start university again and this time I am feeling so positive and excited about it. After having a refreshing and relaxing year off, it's time to return to the land of textbooks and notes and youth in all it's glory. Haha. I can't wait to see my friends and be absorbed by the incredible opportunity to spend all of my time learning. What a privilege it is, to be able to attend university. Every day I am so thankful for these opportunities. I will try my best to keep you updated in the new year and to continue writing about my university experience and the wider journey of life.
Much love,
Emmy
On a similar note, during my time off school, I began to volunteer at a very special coffee shop named Connections Coffeehouse in Burnaby. Connections is also an initiative that is about relationships first, coffee (and other material goods) second. It was the brainchild of a very inspiring woman named Brenda who believed that a gathering space was needed in her neighbourhood. Connections is situated in a very densely populated high-rise neighbourhood where people would rarely reach out and connect to each other. It's a non-profit coffeehouse run entirely by volunteers. They serve excellent coffee (it's JJ Bean for those Vancouverites out there)....but most of all you can't help but notice the friendly, community-oriented, loving atmosphere. People go to Connections for a conversation, or to have a playgroup, to meet a friend, or to meet a stranger...it's a gathering space in the truest sense. After living in Christchurch - a city where the city center was destroyed by earthquakes 2-3 years ago - I realized the importance of somewhere where people can hang out and enjoy each other's company. Again, a simple idea yielding extraordinary results. For more information about Connections (and to see a cool video that describes what they are about) see: http://connectionscoffee.ca/home/
I'm getting ready to start university again and this time I am feeling so positive and excited about it. After having a refreshing and relaxing year off, it's time to return to the land of textbooks and notes and youth in all it's glory. Haha. I can't wait to see my friends and be absorbed by the incredible opportunity to spend all of my time learning. What a privilege it is, to be able to attend university. Every day I am so thankful for these opportunities. I will try my best to keep you updated in the new year and to continue writing about my university experience and the wider journey of life.
Much love,
Emmy
Sunday, December 15, 2013
The Return of Words
It has been over six months since I last posted on this blog. (Thank you for your patience, dear reader). Despite having had a wonderful time abroad and a wellspring of inspiration from New Zealand, finding the right words to share has been challenging. I sat down at my computer numerous times and found myself at a loss - the sentences simply wouldn't flow. Every word I typed seemed wrong. Pulling words onto the page felt like wrenching out teeth. I couldn't get back in the groove of writing, and it distressed me since writing has been close to my heart for as long as I can remember.
I realize now that I identified (and probably continue to identify) strongly as a writer and as a student. When both of those labels were no longer applicable, when I took time off school and had an enormous writer's block, it was disturbing at first. I felt lost. As pathetic as it sounds, I wasn't quite sure of who I was anymore. And maybe the reason I couldn't write was because I was applying so much pressure on myself to perform, to keep up, to maintain a blog. My writing was coming from a place of force and coercion instead of compassion and openness.
A new possibility began to appear once I got over that initial horror. There was a void created by the lack of associations, a space opened up. We identify with so many different roles and descriptors - perhaps it is only when we strip those away that we discover our true selves. We are more than just daughters, sons, mothers, employees, students, and citizens - we are human beings. And as time passed I began to see an intrinsic self worth that was neither grandiose nor insignificant. It was just that as much as any other person, I was worthy of my own love and kindness. The Buddha echoed that sentiment many years ago when he said, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." The words started to float back. I realized I hadn't lost anything at all - and although it sounded slightly different, I had changed - I found my voice again.
I know this is a familiar story. The protagonist faces some challenge, overcomes it, and then comes out a stronger person. Maybe it's a survival mechanism, just a way for us to make sense of life and not lose all hope. But I've learned something new - sometimes the things we are most afraid of happening, the nightmare situations, hold the most potential for us to grow.
So in recognition of change and transition, I've revamped this blog in hopes that it better represents the journey I am on. The title used to be "Going and Growing, Eventually Knowing" but I'm starting to see that perhaps we never really "know" anything it's just a journey of continual learning and adaptation.
Maybe there is no final destination for knowledge, only an evolution of self.
Thanks for sticking with me, dear reader. Thank you for joining me on this sometimes-bumpy, eye-opening, heart-warming ride. Let's navigate together and remember to enjoy the scenery... xo
There's lots more to come!
PS: for a few snippets of my experience in New Zealand (unfortunately it wasn't kept very up to date) feel free to check out: http://www.emmyinnewzealand.wordpress.com
I realize now that I identified (and probably continue to identify) strongly as a writer and as a student. When both of those labels were no longer applicable, when I took time off school and had an enormous writer's block, it was disturbing at first. I felt lost. As pathetic as it sounds, I wasn't quite sure of who I was anymore. And maybe the reason I couldn't write was because I was applying so much pressure on myself to perform, to keep up, to maintain a blog. My writing was coming from a place of force and coercion instead of compassion and openness.
A new possibility began to appear once I got over that initial horror. There was a void created by the lack of associations, a space opened up. We identify with so many different roles and descriptors - perhaps it is only when we strip those away that we discover our true selves. We are more than just daughters, sons, mothers, employees, students, and citizens - we are human beings. And as time passed I began to see an intrinsic self worth that was neither grandiose nor insignificant. It was just that as much as any other person, I was worthy of my own love and kindness. The Buddha echoed that sentiment many years ago when he said, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." The words started to float back. I realized I hadn't lost anything at all - and although it sounded slightly different, I had changed - I found my voice again.
I know this is a familiar story. The protagonist faces some challenge, overcomes it, and then comes out a stronger person. Maybe it's a survival mechanism, just a way for us to make sense of life and not lose all hope. But I've learned something new - sometimes the things we are most afraid of happening, the nightmare situations, hold the most potential for us to grow.
So in recognition of change and transition, I've revamped this blog in hopes that it better represents the journey I am on. The title used to be "Going and Growing, Eventually Knowing" but I'm starting to see that perhaps we never really "know" anything it's just a journey of continual learning and adaptation.
Maybe there is no final destination for knowledge, only an evolution of self.
Thanks for sticking with me, dear reader. Thank you for joining me on this sometimes-bumpy, eye-opening, heart-warming ride. Let's navigate together and remember to enjoy the scenery... xo
There's lots more to come!
PS: for a few snippets of my experience in New Zealand (unfortunately it wasn't kept very up to date) feel free to check out: http://www.emmyinnewzealand.wordpress.com
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Ashram Poetry
[External]
Flurry of activity -
Restless, eager, relentless waves crashing
Dashing, lashing, bashing
Constantly surveying, analyzing, thinking
Drinking, eating, sleeping
Days and days of wandering and wondering
Numb, blind, unfeeling, deaf,
dead.
A cold broken silence.
Whispers
At first faint, then louder, begin to
build. Piece by piece they all come together
Life returns, but different now.
Quiet, calm, serene
Waves gently lap the shore
Kissing the ground again
And again
Softly calling
Me to listen.
Restless, eager, relentless waves crashing
Dashing, lashing, bashing
Constantly surveying, analyzing, thinking
Drinking, eating, sleeping
Days and days of wandering and wondering
Numb, blind, unfeeling, deaf,
dead.
A cold broken silence.
Whispers
At first faint, then louder, begin to
build. Piece by piece they all come together
Life returns, but different now.
Quiet, calm, serene
Waves gently lap the shore
Kissing the ground again
And again
Softly calling
Me to listen.
[Internal]
The air is changing.
Charged with silence
Energy begins to flow backwards
From space inwards
Inside the energy flies -
And nobody smiles though
Everything is illuminated
in Divine Light
Nobody looks you in the eye
But all is clear.
A soft, gentle silence is shared
As they pass by
They are looking within.
Charged with silence
Energy begins to flow backwards
From space inwards
Inside the energy flies -
And nobody smiles though
Everything is illuminated
in Divine Light
Nobody looks you in the eye
But all is clear.
A soft, gentle silence is shared
As they pass by
They are looking within.
I am created in Divine
Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Information Overload
I feel bombarded with information. From advertisements to emails to facebook statuses to tweets to blog posts - I don't know what to do with all of it. Half of our lives are virtual and what used to be personal and in person is no longer. Don't get me wrong, I think there is a lot of value in much of the information we are offered and it is up to us how we choose to partake in this crazy world, but it got me thinking about how we portray our lives.
Going through my facebook newsfeed has become an exercise in inadequacy. It just seems that everyone else has their lives together, are doing amazing things, and are super social. Of course everyone is only creating an image of what they want others to see, but nonetheless it makes me feel inadequate. Maybe this is purely a psychological thing for me, but is there anyone else out there who feels the same?
I guess it all comes down to comparing people. I read somewhere that you can't let someone else's outsides compare with your insides. It really doesn't achieve anything to compare yourself to someone else and it's impossible to do. We are all unique and wonderful in our own ways. (How's that for cheesy?). Judgement lingers behind so much of my thoughts, I hope I can somehow cultivate more equanimity in my life.
One way I am hoping to do so is by living at Yasodhara Ashram for one month starting in June. It looks like an incredibly beautiful place and I feel lucky to be able to attend. After that, I am jumping on a 14 hour flight to Christchurch, New Zealand, where I will be studying at the University of Canterbury for a semester. All of these exciting endeavors are not far away! I will be sure to keep you updated on this blog.
In the meantime I thought I'd write a spur of the moment poem, especially for you:
A road less travelled
is not better
or worse
it's simply less travelled.
and if you wander
along a new path
take comfort in the fact
that at least someone's
footsteps have marked the earth.
Even if they are only your own.
I didn't think I would end up here
but those unexpected detours
have led me to the wildflowers
and now the meadow is bursting
with colour
and for a few moments
I rest,
and feel the world grow
just a little brighter.
Going through my facebook newsfeed has become an exercise in inadequacy. It just seems that everyone else has their lives together, are doing amazing things, and are super social. Of course everyone is only creating an image of what they want others to see, but nonetheless it makes me feel inadequate. Maybe this is purely a psychological thing for me, but is there anyone else out there who feels the same?
I guess it all comes down to comparing people. I read somewhere that you can't let someone else's outsides compare with your insides. It really doesn't achieve anything to compare yourself to someone else and it's impossible to do. We are all unique and wonderful in our own ways. (How's that for cheesy?). Judgement lingers behind so much of my thoughts, I hope I can somehow cultivate more equanimity in my life.
One way I am hoping to do so is by living at Yasodhara Ashram for one month starting in June. It looks like an incredibly beautiful place and I feel lucky to be able to attend. After that, I am jumping on a 14 hour flight to Christchurch, New Zealand, where I will be studying at the University of Canterbury for a semester. All of these exciting endeavors are not far away! I will be sure to keep you updated on this blog.
In the meantime I thought I'd write a spur of the moment poem, especially for you:
A road less travelled
is not better
or worse
it's simply less travelled.
and if you wander
along a new path
take comfort in the fact
that at least someone's
footsteps have marked the earth.
Even if they are only your own.
I didn't think I would end up here
but those unexpected detours
have led me to the wildflowers
and now the meadow is bursting
with colour
and for a few moments
I rest,
and feel the world grow
just a little brighter.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Life is Fleeting
Life is so fleeting. Just a few days ago, I was sitting on a rock at the edge of the ocean, with sunbeams dancing across my face, listening to the crash of the Pacific waves. Not to sound too dreamy or anything. But lately that's what I have been thinking about - the impermanence of all things. Whether it's good or bad, nothing will last.
There's a freedom in this fleeting nature of life, if you stop trying to desperately hold onto all everything, perhaps you can appreciate it more. By knowing your life is limited, you can live more fully. Our relationships are handled more carefully because we realize they are fragile. Our circumstances stop defining us because we realize they are temporary.
This has been a huge relief to me. At the moment, I am living at home, volunteering and chilling out, and I know this won't be forever. I can take time to truly relax because I know that soon I will be back in school and travelling....sometimes I feel like I can't wait for this period of my life to be over, but I know in time, it will.
There's a freedom in this fleeting nature of life, if you stop trying to desperately hold onto all everything, perhaps you can appreciate it more. By knowing your life is limited, you can live more fully. Our relationships are handled more carefully because we realize they are fragile. Our circumstances stop defining us because we realize they are temporary.
This has been a huge relief to me. At the moment, I am living at home, volunteering and chilling out, and I know this won't be forever. I can take time to truly relax because I know that soon I will be back in school and travelling....sometimes I feel like I can't wait for this period of my life to be over, but I know in time, it will.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A Break
Around this time a year ago I was a very busy lady. With a bunch of friends, we had just pulled off an international fashion show raising $2000 for the Stephen Lewis Foundation, I was writing exams for 5 courses, I had an amazing roommate, I was a student reporter for ubco.tv, I volunteered at a daycare, and I did yoga. On the outside everything looked fine and dandy, but I had hardly any time for myself and the pressure was building.
A year later, much has changed. I decided to take a semester off to re-calibrate and figure some things out. For the last month or two, I have been going to painting classes, doing some yoga, and volunteering occasionally at a coffee shop. Sometimes I help my parents out with their work. I read more, I contemplate life, I write in my journal. Taking the time off has helped me to see that who I am is more than a student. I realized my identity was previously so caught up in being a student that in some ways I had forgotten who I really was. I'm starting to rediscover who I am, in between cups of tea and downward facing dogs.
The plan is to travel in the next few months. I'm off to California and Oregon at the end of April, then to England, and finally (fingers crossed) off to New Zealand for 6 months. It has been a dream of mine to make it down under and I can't wait to finally see such a beautiful country.
Deciding to take a break was difficult. It seemed selfish. But in the end, I think we need to nourish ourselves before we can truly make a difference. Taking time out to chill or realize or dreams or follow a different route can truly refresh our outlook and help us to find center again.
So at the moment the university adventures have been placed on hold, and I'm exploring the world with new eyes. Hope to see you soon.
A year later, much has changed. I decided to take a semester off to re-calibrate and figure some things out. For the last month or two, I have been going to painting classes, doing some yoga, and volunteering occasionally at a coffee shop. Sometimes I help my parents out with their work. I read more, I contemplate life, I write in my journal. Taking the time off has helped me to see that who I am is more than a student. I realized my identity was previously so caught up in being a student that in some ways I had forgotten who I really was. I'm starting to rediscover who I am, in between cups of tea and downward facing dogs.
The plan is to travel in the next few months. I'm off to California and Oregon at the end of April, then to England, and finally (fingers crossed) off to New Zealand for 6 months. It has been a dream of mine to make it down under and I can't wait to finally see such a beautiful country.
Deciding to take a break was difficult. It seemed selfish. But in the end, I think we need to nourish ourselves before we can truly make a difference. Taking time out to chill or realize or dreams or follow a different route can truly refresh our outlook and help us to find center again.
So at the moment the university adventures have been placed on hold, and I'm exploring the world with new eyes. Hope to see you soon.
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