The Sound of Settling

It's been a while.   The days gently melted into each other, much like the snow layering outside my window.  Life at university is starting to settle.  I am so happy with my courses this term (as you can read on earlier posts) and I am developing some wonderful connections with students, professors, and friends.  I am starting to feel like I am carving out a space for myself here at university and I have embarked on some new adventures including volunteering at the campus daycare and organizing and international fashion show.

That elusive community feeling that was so prevalent at my former school reaches me in gasps.  Sometimes I glimpse what it feels like to belong, but it's never there for long.   I hope with some time, I can find my community.

Sometimes I get this magical feeling.  It's hard to describe.  It's like this step-back-awareness that I am a real-life university student whose life is dedicated to learning, in an open, beautiful environment.  It's this sudden happiness for being where I am at this point in my life - everything just seems to click.  In those moments I feel grateful for life and all the abundance I have been blessed with. I wake up each day to a room and a roommate overflowing with peace and loving kindness.  A wonderful family, their unconditional love, brand new adventures on the horizon, and new friends around the corner - what more could I ask for?  I really mean it when I say I am grateful, I am grateful from my heart right down to my toes.

Sometimes we don't have to know where we are going.  We can just be content with what is.

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Here's an on-the-moment poem:
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The soil broke
And Life burst free.

Walking down an alleyway
Spring flowers overhead
I still hear the whispers of
Everything we said.
Life was easy then -
Chasing butterflies
Sun streaked skies,
We didn't even realize,
We left them all behind.

The sun begins to warm and
Ooze over the horizon,
Fondue over fruit.
The days follow suit.
Skies come, they go,
Endless flow
Of change.
It rained.

And what was, remains.
In the whisper of dawn
The drum beating on,
In the pages being turned
And the stories re-learned,
We find ourselves whole.

The water as it arrives
And away with the tide
With the sun and its glow
And the storm and the snow
I know it's all right,
I can welcome the night.

We breathe out, we breathe in
What will be,
What has been.
It is a letting go, a letting in,
A let's go!  There is a guide
In the skies, a power,
Pushing the path forward.
And I will walk.
I will try to follow the sky.

Going "Home"

"Peace - that was the other name for home."  ~Kathleen Norris

Maybe we all have many homes.  Perhaps there are many places where we feel we belong, fitting like a snug jigsaw piece.  Maybe it's on the beach or in the forest or in our favourite room or in the arms of someone we love.  One home is not better than another, they all have the unique flavours of a certain time in our lives and we can appreciate them equally. We can feel thankful for the feeling of home that transcends physical location.

It's always a peculiar thing to walk over the footsteps of your past.   This weekend was magical, overwhelming, beautiful, and moving.    I went to a place that meant the world to me and talked with people I love from the bottom of my heart and lungs.  It was strange and familiar, an outsider in a place I go to every day in my mind.

 I felt the familiar peace, the smell of that wood place, surrounded by the sea.  These memories that are permanently stamped on my soul floated there, loaded in the present, and I felt the strange distance of time settling in my bones discreetly changing my direction. 

I am walking down the forest path and I am marvelling at the tall towering trees.  I am in awe of those grand beings, looking up and reaching down simultaneously.  I want to be like them.  I want to bundle up all the joy, community, and adventure that I experienced in those two years, make it a concentrate, and bottle it up for a rainy day.

I am sitting in front of beautiful eyes and smooth skin and the words between us are just pointers toward a much deeper connection, a beam shining into the other, a beam illuminating each of our hearts even more.

I am walking with the tides and I hear their reassuring constancy, cleansing the past, clearing the future, making the present.  I feel so at peace watching the sunlight ripple through the aquamarine depths.  Sitting on a chilly rock on a crisp day I am home.

The Intensity of Academia

Hey Folks!

Don't know who is hanging in there with me on this second, more humble attempt of a blog, but thank you for reading!  I guess the more unique setting of Pearson attracted lots of (UWC-interested) readers last time, but I'm unsure of how to make my university life sound more exciting and cutting-edge.   Have any ideas?  Haha.

Anyways thought I'd give you a run down on my amazing courses this term.  I am taking:

- International Politics (with a prof who supposedly works for the UN! And he's a UWC grad!)
- Indigenous Literature (English) with one of my all-time favorite profs
- Gender Studies - Race and Class - another incredibly intelligent prof
- Gender Studies - 2nd part of introduction - don't know her well, but cool prof too!
- Anthropology (Women in Cross-Cultural Perspective) with a prof who is taking a very different approach to learning which involves keeping a journal worth 25% of our mark!  I like!

As you can see, my courseload is a bit gender-heavy and very artsy but I adore pretty much all of the classes.   Recently though I've had some particularly engaging and thought-provoking discussions in said courses.

First, we discussed the slightly scary reality of modern day eugenics in my race, class and gender class.  We talked about the access to "designer babies" and the fact that apparently the US has outlawed red-headed men to donate sperm to the main sperm bank.   I find this terribly offensive.  Did you know that Canada and the US have very different legal approaches to sperm banks?  For example, in Canada it is illegal to get paid to donate sperm.  Also, we looked at the fascinating sector of gender studies that relate to reproductive technology and the dangers of manipulating genes.  Personally I think things always get a bit sketchy when we mess with nature too much!

Secondly, in my indigenous lit course we had a VERY heated conversation about Canada's identity in terms of First Nations (exuding to the rest of the world) as well as oral traditions being considered a form of literature.  Naturally the content of these conversations can easily get very disturbing, personal, and heavy as we do have people in the class whose families attended residential schools and are still impacted by the intergenerational trauma.  It is hard sometimes to separate people and ideas, but my peers did a great job of disagreeing respectfully.   Not to mention, our wondrous professor is talented at maintaining a sense of middle ground and compassion as she pretty much embodies compassion herself.   I find it incredible to be intellectually stimulated this term.  Instead of being the only person to speak, suddenly there are so many voices jockeying for attention that I sometimes get overlooked!  It's actually great to see!  

I guess taking second year classes was a good choice this semester.

Today I also got an endorphin high after my international politics course since it was so challenging and fascinating I was captivated the entire 90 minutes.  It was one of those classes (like a great movie) that you just didn't want to end.

So by now I must sound like a total nerd, so I will stop gushing over getting high off academics and the natural stimulants of intelligent conversation.

I guess it's my drug.

Secrets

I am a big fan of postsecret.  If you've never heard of it before you should check it out.   It's a simple idea.  People send in their anonymous secrets on postcards or in other creative ways to this cool guy named Frank.  The secret must be true and you cannot have told anyone.    Frank posts the secrets on a simple blog.  That's it.   What results is an incredible force that unites people and brings a bit more precious honesty in the world.   As of today, there have been 501 588 609 visitors.

 I always look forward to Sundays because that's when Frank puts up this week's secrets, full of angst, joy, truth, and the beauty of being human.

Part of me ponders the sadness that we were too afraid to speak our truth in person.  At least we had the courage to do something about it.

Today there was a really powerful secret that said " I feel guilty because I convicted my rapist."   It sent shivers sprinting down my spine and I couldn't help but wonder why we add so many unnecessary layers to our pain.  To that person - it wasn't your fault.  The Buddha calls what you are feeling the second arrow of suffering, if I remember correctly.  Loosely meaning - suffering exists.  That is ok.  It's when we shoot ourselves again with guilt or blame or any of those extra ugly add-ons that the pain really hits us.   Why shoot the arrow twice?  It already hit us in the heart.

Maybe we add on guilt because we don't feel comfortable enough feeling the initial suffering that is bound to exist.

Of course I have not mastered this skill.  I believe if we stripped everything down to the bare minimum we would find love.  We are always either acting in fear or love, and my counsellor once told me, choose love. Much easier said than done.  Fear cuts deep.  Love heals the wound.

So many times in my life I have kept secrets.  I am sad I have not always been truthful in expressing my negative feelings.  I push down the beach ball into the water and it bursts back with so much power.  I guess I don't need to be afraid of feeling anything.  Emotions are a guidance system not something that destroys.

Here's the song that's playing as I write this:

Being Vulnerable

As you may know, I'm a huge fan of TED talks.  I could listen to them for days.

My dearest friend Liz showed me this gem.  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Enjoy!

I have just arrived back "home" to university.   As Christian Morgenstern says, "Home is not a place, it is where they understand you."

May 2012 hold much peace, joy, and understanding for you.