A New Year

What does it mean to be alive?

It means your bare feet on slippery moss, taking a leap on a waterfall day.  It means flying over clouds to see mountain peaks that swell like your heart.  It means falling slowly.   It means saying I missed you instead of hello and see you later instead of goodbye.  It means dancing when the beat is alive.  The music is a heartbeat moving through a sea of faces, because the world fits on a dance floor.  It means feeling like home is not a place, it’s a person.  The heartbeat made a tide.  The tide made the ocean.  The ocean made me whole.

God is not a person, He is a power, my four year old self whispers quietly in my ear and I realize the Power is everywhere.

I waited in an airport.  I waited in a car. I waited in a waiting room.  I waited for a bus.  I waited for love.  I waited for an answer.  I waited for help.  I waited for a call.  I waited online.  I waited offline.  I signed in, I signed out.  I waited to feel like myself again.  I waited for results.  I waited for strength.   I waited for you.

I held you in my arms and I had to put you back on the filthy ground.  Your eyes stare into my soul with deep sadness and deep persistence.  You are removed.  You have stories that pinch tears out of my eyes and when it rains on a cold winter’s day as I step off the plane I breathe a sigh of relief.   I want you to know you didn’t make me cry, you just opened my eyes.

The Aare carried me.  My body became part of it as the river embraced me and carried me gently.  I could still resist but I didn’t have to try.  I didn’t want to try.  I watched the trees pass by and the blue periwinkle sky and I said to myself, this is what surrender means.

And I said to myself the other night, this is what grief means.  So I’m letting you go, because I don’t want to wallow in the wonder of 2011.  Thank you, dear year, for bringing me life.  Thank you for infusing beauty in my veins so that it lights up my skin.  Thank you for the wooden spiritual centers, for the family love, for the grief, for keeping Hapi safe in Heaven, thank you for the ocean, thank you for education, thank you for Kenya, thank you for kiwis, thank you for good food and good friends and good times. 

I’m letting you go because I love you so.
And I’m letting you in because you asked so nicely.
May the love, joy, and peace dwell within as always
and may you have the courage to find it in the dark.
And finally, may you always feel the water as it falls
like a cascade of memories, dreams, and present moments
Mountains, dares, and periwinkle skies,
like a river rapid rush of absolute cleansing perfection.

Exams, Etc.

It has been a while since I posted, and I suppose it's because I have been studying at all hours of day and night, my head buried in stacks of books, dutifully re-writing notes, and preparing.  Ha.  Well there was a little of that going on, but also some chill days, socializing, getting out into Kelowna, shopping, cooking, and all that other stuff that constitutes real life.  

I have often wondered what this "study till you drop" mentality is preparing us for.  I say, nothing!   So I have taken some alternative approaches to studying for finals  One of my favorites is covering the wall in blank paper, taking some bright felt pens, and making a masterpiece of notes.   The picture demonstrates part of my wall-decorating, imagine it from floor to ceiling, covering the entire door. I don't what it is about this technique that appeals to me, the standing and writing (like a teacher), the colours, working toward a goal...I don't know.  But I have the amazing Anwen from Wales to thank for the idea!

So I suppose everyone has their nuanced approaches to studying that works for them.  Some days I long for the even more radical approaches of no test taking at all...but this is real life, I guess.

Lately I have been trying to evaluate whether or not I am fully happy here.  Most days I am content. I like my window to the mountains, I love my roommate to the max, I have good friends who I make Sunday dinners with, I have interesting classes with inspiring profs.  But what is missing?  I don’t really feel part of a community.  It is definitely going to take a measure of warming up to somewhere besides Pearson.  Although I hate to admit it, sometimes I feel a bit of anger towards an education that set such a high standard  before.  Of course I am more grateful than anything, but sometimes it feels like nothing will ever compare.

In the end, I am trusting the “first is the worst” theory and trying to imagine all the wonderful things that are in store for me next term.  My go global application to New Zealand, my amazing courses (Gender studies, English, Anthro, and International Politics), new friends to meet, visiting Pearson, spring-time...and doing my yoga teacher training in the summer!     I am really looking forward to being home, cooking delicious food, and being with loved ones.  Despite a looming wisdom teeth removal I think it is going to be a relaxing and lovely break.

In other news, I have been spending some wonderful quality time with Camille and we discovered the absolutely DELICIOUS lahksa soup they serve at a Malaysian cafe in Kelowna called The Mad Mango.  It is sooooo good.


I wish you all the best for whatever you do this month and so much joy, peace, and love for the coming year.    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog – big hugs to you!

Sarah Kay

I think this woman is AMAZING.