Yoga and Loneliness

This morning I went to yoga and as we practised I could see the snow lined tree branches outside scattering snowflakes in the wind.  All around me the mountains were dusted with white and I couldn't get over the fact that I live in such a stunningly beautiful place.  Every evening I fall asleep next to shimmering lights in the valley and every morning I see trees and mountains.

I think the natural environment has such an impact on us.  A friend of mine was telling me about a common plight facing many children today - Nature Deficit Disorder.  Do you think we are more or less connected to the Earth today than in the past?  I'm not sure, but I know I feel a million times better after a walk in the woods.

Lately I've been feeling lonely.  I know it is possible to be content in your own company, and most of the time I am.  Perhaps it is the fact that nearly all of my friends have significant others, and I do not.  Perhaps it is just insecurity.  Perhaps it is just loneliness, plain and simple.  Our society teaches us that it is necessary to be constantly stimulated and constantly surrounded by people.  It's another lie.  So is the belief that we need someone else to complete us.  My  head knows all of this, but my heart doesn't understand.

I also know that we are social creatures and my happiest days are ones where I am running into friends and feeling connected.  But is everything we need  within us?  Or do we need to look outside ourselves for wholeness?

Recently I painted a poem that is hanging up on my wall.  It seems to soothe my soul.  Here it is:

Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

- Mary Oliver

On Track

Hello dear readers,

There has been a cloak of fog enveloping the Okanagan the last few days and it feels like some sort of winter insulation.  I am back at school and slowly establishing a rhythm of study and life again.   First let me say, it is wonderful to be back.  It is wonderful to feel more like myself and happy again and to be reminded of how much I love this campus.  Recently, I was talking to someone in my class about the sense of community here, about how much I love the opportunities for connection. 

For example, we have a Collegia program here, which is basically a series of beautifully renovated living rooms on campus where commuter students (or any student) can study, nap, or socialize between classes.  I think our school is one of the very few in Canada that has a free program like this.  I think it is the responsibility of each student to take steps to get involved though...you can be offered all the opportunities in the world, but the important part is stepping up and saying yes.

My dear friend Makyla wrote me a letter about saying yes before I left for New Zealand.  It signified one of the biggest lessons I learned while I was there - embracing where you are.  Obviously you can't say yes to everything, there just isn't enough time in the day, but when you are open to the opportunities that present themselves life becomes so much more enriching. 

This semester I am taking some wicked classes - Sociology of Families, Cultural Studies Practices, Critical Theory, and Postcolonial Literature and Culture.  Each one has something valuable to offer and very often they overlap and complement each other.   For my extra curriculars I am swimming, dancing, kickboxing (maybe), guiding tours, doing yoga, and maybe volunteering at the daycare.

I am feeling good these days.  Happy about my decision to change majors and do Cultural Studies instead.  Settled in my new home with two incredible roommates and a mountain view.  Content with my activities.  Rejuvenated by my friendships.  Grateful for my family and the countless blessings around me.  I am feeling like I am on track, at last.

With much love,
Emmy

PS: Here are some photos of my (new) home:

Reflections of a Year

2013:

Winter. Woke up. Trudged to class, couldn't understand why everyone else was smiling.  Led tours. Taught yoga. Cried. Was quiet.  Skied. Depression settled silently in my bones.  Heaviness. Heaviness.  Painful memories. Belly danced to distract myself.  Painted for expression. Good conversations and comforting tea drinking with Camille. Tried to read. Couldn't concentrate.  Stopped, withdrew, decided to try something new. 

Spring. Came home.  Left school.  Learned about coffee and painting and yoga.  Had conversations at Connections and felt renewed.  The brainwaves started to move in a new direction.  Birthday on an island.  Delicious food.  Makyla visits and more wonderful yoga.  Portland.  Sebastopol.  Beautiful memories with Camille and Belen.  Sipping chai and savouring lovely friendship. Ashram life. Looking inwards.  Working in the garden. Hari Om. Exploring the Light. Quietness. Early nights and early mornings.

Winter (Summer). Magical plane ride with a dear old friend.  Landed in New Zealand, landed in paradise.  Hiking near golden sandy beaches and cerulean seas in the middle of winter.  There are still flowers in this magnificent country.  Devastated buildings.  Devastated Christchurch. Sadness.  Emptiness.  Doubt. Campervan trips and sparkly vibrant Dunedin. Sheep stations and wilderness trips.  Monday lunches with Leah.  Movies and mountains.  Rivers and running.  Crossing the Avon every morning and walking to class.  Yoga.  Dancing. Meditation.

Spring (Autumn).  Contentedness trickles back.  Depression lifts softly and silently, floating away back to the sky.  Marae visits and retreats with new friends.  Laughter and little children.  Wilderness beckons. Trekking. Navigating in the dark. School ends. Hiking in Fiordland. Sublime moments. Breathtaking landscapes.  1000 metres in elevation in 8 hours. Meeting North. A sweet week in Wellington. Seeing Avalanche City with Ellen. Bliss at Anahata Yoga Retreat. Seeing Golden Bay and forest and beautiful mornings.  Fire ceremony.  Biking to Pohara Beach. Bliss. Freedom.  Exams.

Summer (Winter).  Hiking near volcanoes.  Eel fishing by moonlight.  Jumping into waterfalls.  Leaping into waterfalls.  Leaping into...the abyss.  Embracing life's magnificence. Skydiving.  Bay of Islands.  Beautiful walks.  North.  Awe-inspiring trees. Weak in the knees. Alone and happy.  Alone and not alone.  New friends. Waiheke Island.  Parents come to visit.  Windy road anxiety.  Everything is going to be okay.  Everything is okay.  Fun times and kayak sailing and birds playing.  Australia for a week and home. Friends and familiarity.

It is a journey, healing happens when we open to the present moment and let go.  Thank you for all of the wonder and the love and the joy and the pain and the sorrow and all of it.  Thank you for every single beautiful soul I encountered and shared time with.  Thank you for the chance to live fully and deeply and to feel.  Thank you for life.  Thank you for life.  Thank you for life.

A Christmas Walk and Other Simple Beauties

Every Christmas, my family goes on a walk.  It's pretty much our only tradition.  We usually walk in a different place each year, occasionally switching it up and going snow-shoeing or embarking on some other walking-related activity.  I like it because it's simple.  We don't give each other material gifts anymore or even have a tree and decorations, but we spend time together and share food, conversation, and fresh air instead.  To me, that's what Christmas is about - connection.  What are your thoughts on traditions and the material culture of Christmas these days?  How do you connect with those you love at this time of year?  What can we give that doesn't end up in the garbage? 

On a similar note, during my time off school, I began to volunteer at a very special coffee shop named Connections Coffeehouse in Burnaby.  Connections is also an initiative that is about relationships first, coffee (and other material goods) second.  It was the brainchild of a very inspiring woman named Brenda who believed that a gathering space was needed in her neighbourhood.  Connections is situated in a very densely populated high-rise neighbourhood where people would rarely reach out and connect to each other.  It's a non-profit coffeehouse run entirely by volunteers.  They serve excellent coffee (it's JJ Bean for those Vancouverites out there)....but most of all you can't help but notice the friendly, community-oriented, loving atmosphere.  People go to Connections for a conversation, or to have a playgroup, to meet a friend, or to meet a stranger...it's a gathering space in the truest sense.  After living in Christchurch - a city where the city center was destroyed by earthquakes 2-3 years ago - I realized the importance of somewhere where people can hang out and enjoy each other's company. Again, a simple idea yielding extraordinary results.  For more information about Connections (and to see a cool video that describes what they are about) see: http://connectionscoffee.ca/home/

I'm getting ready to start university again and this time I am feeling so positive and excited about it.  After having a refreshing and relaxing year off, it's time to return to the land of textbooks and notes and youth in all it's glory.  Haha.  I can't wait to see my friends and be absorbed by the incredible opportunity to spend all of my time learning.  What a privilege it is, to be able to attend university.  Every day I am so thankful for these opportunities.  I will try my best to keep you updated in the new year and to continue writing about my university experience and the wider journey of life.

Much love,
Emmy

The Return of Words

It has been over six months since I last posted on this blog. (Thank you for your patience, dear reader).   Despite having had a wonderful time abroad and a wellspring of inspiration from New Zealand, finding the right words to share has been challenging.  I sat down at my computer numerous times and found myself at a loss - the sentences simply wouldn't flow.  Every word I typed seemed wrong.  Pulling words onto the page felt like wrenching out teeth. I couldn't get back in the groove of writing, and it distressed me since writing has been close to my heart for as long as I can remember. 

  I realize now that I identified (and probably continue to identify) strongly as a writer and as a student. When both of those labels were no longer applicable, when I took time off school and had an enormous writer's block, it was disturbing at first.  I felt lost.  As pathetic as it sounds, I wasn't quite sure of who I was anymore.   And maybe the reason I couldn't write was because I was applying so much pressure on myself to perform, to keep up, to maintain a blog.  My writing was coming from a place of force and coercion instead of compassion and openness.

A new possibility began to appear once I got over that initial horror.  There was a void created by the lack of associations, a space opened up. We identify with so many different roles and descriptors - perhaps it is only when we strip those away that we discover our true selves.  We are more than just daughters, sons, mothers, employees, students, and citizens - we are human beings.  And as time passed I began to see an intrinsic self worth that was neither grandiose nor insignificant.  It was just that as much as any other person, I was worthy of my own love and kindness.  The Buddha echoed that sentiment many years ago when he said, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."  The words started to float back.  I realized I hadn't lost anything at all - and although it sounded slightly different, I had changed - I found my voice again.

I know this is a familiar story.  The protagonist faces some challenge, overcomes it, and then comes out a stronger person.  Maybe it's a survival mechanism, just a way for us to make sense of life and not lose all hope.  But I've learned something new - sometimes the things we are most afraid of happening, the nightmare situations, hold the most potential for us to grow.

So in recognition of change and transition, I've revamped this blog in hopes that it better represents the journey I am on.  The title used to be "Going and Growing, Eventually Knowing" but I'm starting to see that perhaps we never really "know" anything it's just a journey of continual learning and adaptation.

  Maybe there is no final destination for knowledge, only an evolution of self. 

Thanks for sticking with me, dear reader.  Thank you for joining me on this sometimes-bumpy, eye-opening, heart-warming ride.  Let's navigate together and remember to enjoy the scenery...  xo

There's lots more to come!

PS: for a few snippets of my experience in New Zealand (unfortunately it wasn't kept very up to date) feel free to check out: http://www.emmyinnewzealand.wordpress.com

Ashram Poetry

[External]

Flurry of activity -
Restless, eager, relentless waves crashing
Dashing, lashing, bashing
Constantly surveying, analyzing, thinking
Drinking, eating, sleeping
Days and days of wandering and wondering
Numb, blind, unfeeling, deaf,
dead.

A cold broken silence.

Whispers
At first faint, then louder, begin to
build.  Piece by piece they all come together
Life returns, but different now.
Quiet, calm, serene
Waves gently lap the shore
Kissing the ground again
And again
Softly calling
Me to listen.

[Internal]

The air is changing.
Charged with silence
Energy begins to flow backwards
From space inwards
Inside the energy flies -
And nobody smiles though
Everything is illuminated
in Divine Light
Nobody looks you in the eye
But all is clear.
A soft, gentle silence is shared
As they pass by
They are looking within.

I am created in Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light

Information Overload

I feel bombarded with information.  From advertisements to emails to facebook statuses to tweets to blog posts - I don't know what to do with all of it.  Half of our lives are virtual and what used to be personal and in person is no longer.  Don't get me wrong, I think there is a lot of value in much of the information we are offered and it is up to us how we choose to partake in this crazy world, but it got me thinking about how we portray our lives.

Going through my facebook newsfeed has become an exercise in inadequacy.  It just seems that everyone else has their lives together, are doing amazing things, and are super social.  Of course everyone is only creating an image of what they want others to see, but nonetheless it makes me feel inadequate.  Maybe this is purely a psychological thing for me, but is there anyone else out there who feels the same?

I guess it all comes down to comparing people.   I read somewhere that you can't let someone else's outsides compare with your insides.  It really doesn't achieve anything to compare yourself to someone else and it's impossible to do. We are all unique and wonderful in our own ways. (How's that for cheesy?).  Judgement lingers behind so much of my thoughts, I hope I can somehow cultivate more equanimity in my life.

One way I am hoping to do so is by living at Yasodhara Ashram for one month starting in June.  It looks like an incredibly beautiful place and I feel lucky to be able to attend.  After that, I am jumping on a 14 hour flight to Christchurch, New Zealand, where I will be studying at the University of Canterbury for a semester.  All of these exciting endeavors are not far away!  I will be sure to keep you updated on this blog. 

In the meantime I thought I'd write a spur of the moment poem, especially for you:

A road less travelled
is not better
or worse
it's simply less travelled.
and if you wander
along a new path
take comfort in the fact
that at least someone's
footsteps have marked the earth.
Even if they are only your own.

I didn't think I would end up here
but those unexpected detours
have led me to the wildflowers
and now the meadow is bursting
with colour
and for a few moments
I rest,
and feel the world grow
just a little brighter.