It has been over six months since I last posted on this blog. (Thank you for your patience, dear reader). Despite having had a wonderful time abroad and a wellspring of inspiration from New Zealand, finding the right words to share has been challenging. I sat down at my computer numerous times and found myself at a loss - the sentences simply wouldn't flow. Every word I typed seemed wrong. Pulling words onto the page felt like wrenching out teeth. I couldn't get back in the groove of writing, and it distressed me since writing has been close to my heart for as long as I can remember.
I realize now that I identified (and probably continue to identify) strongly as a writer and as a student. When both of those labels were no longer applicable, when I took time off school and had an enormous writer's block, it was disturbing at first. I felt lost. As pathetic as it sounds, I wasn't quite sure of who I was anymore. And maybe the reason I couldn't write was because I was applying so much pressure on myself to perform, to keep up, to maintain a blog. My writing was coming from a place of force and coercion instead of compassion and openness.
A new possibility began to appear once I got over that initial horror. There was a void created by the lack of associations, a space opened up. We identify with so many different roles and descriptors - perhaps it is only when we strip those away that we discover our true selves. We are more than just daughters, sons, mothers, employees, students, and citizens - we are human beings. And as time passed I began to see an intrinsic self worth that was neither grandiose nor insignificant. It was just that as much as any other person, I was worthy of my own love and kindness. The Buddha echoed that sentiment many years ago when he said, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." The words started to float back. I realized I hadn't lost anything at all - and although it sounded slightly different, I had changed - I found my voice again.
I know this is a familiar story. The protagonist faces some challenge, overcomes it, and then comes out a stronger person. Maybe it's a survival mechanism, just a way for us to make sense of life and not lose all hope. But I've learned something new - sometimes the things we are most afraid of happening, the nightmare situations, hold the most potential for us to grow.
So in recognition of change and transition, I've revamped this blog in hopes that it better represents the journey I am on. The title used to be "Going and Growing, Eventually Knowing" but I'm starting to see that perhaps we never really "know" anything it's just a journey of continual learning and adaptation.
Maybe there is no final destination for knowledge, only an evolution of self.
Thanks for sticking with me, dear reader. Thank you for joining me on this sometimes-bumpy, eye-opening, heart-warming ride. Let's navigate together and remember to enjoy the scenery... xo
There's lots more to come!
PS: for a few snippets of my experience in New Zealand (unfortunately it wasn't kept very up to date) feel free to check out: http://www.emmyinnewzealand.wordpress.com
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