Going "Home"

"Peace - that was the other name for home."  ~Kathleen Norris

Maybe we all have many homes.  Perhaps there are many places where we feel we belong, fitting like a snug jigsaw piece.  Maybe it's on the beach or in the forest or in our favourite room or in the arms of someone we love.  One home is not better than another, they all have the unique flavours of a certain time in our lives and we can appreciate them equally. We can feel thankful for the feeling of home that transcends physical location.

It's always a peculiar thing to walk over the footsteps of your past.   This weekend was magical, overwhelming, beautiful, and moving.    I went to a place that meant the world to me and talked with people I love from the bottom of my heart and lungs.  It was strange and familiar, an outsider in a place I go to every day in my mind.

 I felt the familiar peace, the smell of that wood place, surrounded by the sea.  These memories that are permanently stamped on my soul floated there, loaded in the present, and I felt the strange distance of time settling in my bones discreetly changing my direction. 

I am walking down the forest path and I am marvelling at the tall towering trees.  I am in awe of those grand beings, looking up and reaching down simultaneously.  I want to be like them.  I want to bundle up all the joy, community, and adventure that I experienced in those two years, make it a concentrate, and bottle it up for a rainy day.

I am sitting in front of beautiful eyes and smooth skin and the words between us are just pointers toward a much deeper connection, a beam shining into the other, a beam illuminating each of our hearts even more.

I am walking with the tides and I hear their reassuring constancy, cleansing the past, clearing the future, making the present.  I feel so at peace watching the sunlight ripple through the aquamarine depths.  Sitting on a chilly rock on a crisp day I am home.

The Intensity of Academia

Hey Folks!

Don't know who is hanging in there with me on this second, more humble attempt of a blog, but thank you for reading!  I guess the more unique setting of Pearson attracted lots of (UWC-interested) readers last time, but I'm unsure of how to make my university life sound more exciting and cutting-edge.   Have any ideas?  Haha.

Anyways thought I'd give you a run down on my amazing courses this term.  I am taking:

- International Politics (with a prof who supposedly works for the UN! And he's a UWC grad!)
- Indigenous Literature (English) with one of my all-time favorite profs
- Gender Studies - Race and Class - another incredibly intelligent prof
- Gender Studies - 2nd part of introduction - don't know her well, but cool prof too!
- Anthropology (Women in Cross-Cultural Perspective) with a prof who is taking a very different approach to learning which involves keeping a journal worth 25% of our mark!  I like!

As you can see, my courseload is a bit gender-heavy and very artsy but I adore pretty much all of the classes.   Recently though I've had some particularly engaging and thought-provoking discussions in said courses.

First, we discussed the slightly scary reality of modern day eugenics in my race, class and gender class.  We talked about the access to "designer babies" and the fact that apparently the US has outlawed red-headed men to donate sperm to the main sperm bank.   I find this terribly offensive.  Did you know that Canada and the US have very different legal approaches to sperm banks?  For example, in Canada it is illegal to get paid to donate sperm.  Also, we looked at the fascinating sector of gender studies that relate to reproductive technology and the dangers of manipulating genes.  Personally I think things always get a bit sketchy when we mess with nature too much!

Secondly, in my indigenous lit course we had a VERY heated conversation about Canada's identity in terms of First Nations (exuding to the rest of the world) as well as oral traditions being considered a form of literature.  Naturally the content of these conversations can easily get very disturbing, personal, and heavy as we do have people in the class whose families attended residential schools and are still impacted by the intergenerational trauma.  It is hard sometimes to separate people and ideas, but my peers did a great job of disagreeing respectfully.   Not to mention, our wondrous professor is talented at maintaining a sense of middle ground and compassion as she pretty much embodies compassion herself.   I find it incredible to be intellectually stimulated this term.  Instead of being the only person to speak, suddenly there are so many voices jockeying for attention that I sometimes get overlooked!  It's actually great to see!  

I guess taking second year classes was a good choice this semester.

Today I also got an endorphin high after my international politics course since it was so challenging and fascinating I was captivated the entire 90 minutes.  It was one of those classes (like a great movie) that you just didn't want to end.

So by now I must sound like a total nerd, so I will stop gushing over getting high off academics and the natural stimulants of intelligent conversation.

I guess it's my drug.

Secrets

I am a big fan of postsecret.  If you've never heard of it before you should check it out.   It's a simple idea.  People send in their anonymous secrets on postcards or in other creative ways to this cool guy named Frank.  The secret must be true and you cannot have told anyone.    Frank posts the secrets on a simple blog.  That's it.   What results is an incredible force that unites people and brings a bit more precious honesty in the world.   As of today, there have been 501 588 609 visitors.

 I always look forward to Sundays because that's when Frank puts up this week's secrets, full of angst, joy, truth, and the beauty of being human.

Part of me ponders the sadness that we were too afraid to speak our truth in person.  At least we had the courage to do something about it.

Today there was a really powerful secret that said " I feel guilty because I convicted my rapist."   It sent shivers sprinting down my spine and I couldn't help but wonder why we add so many unnecessary layers to our pain.  To that person - it wasn't your fault.  The Buddha calls what you are feeling the second arrow of suffering, if I remember correctly.  Loosely meaning - suffering exists.  That is ok.  It's when we shoot ourselves again with guilt or blame or any of those extra ugly add-ons that the pain really hits us.   Why shoot the arrow twice?  It already hit us in the heart.

Maybe we add on guilt because we don't feel comfortable enough feeling the initial suffering that is bound to exist.

Of course I have not mastered this skill.  I believe if we stripped everything down to the bare minimum we would find love.  We are always either acting in fear or love, and my counsellor once told me, choose love. Much easier said than done.  Fear cuts deep.  Love heals the wound.

So many times in my life I have kept secrets.  I am sad I have not always been truthful in expressing my negative feelings.  I push down the beach ball into the water and it bursts back with so much power.  I guess I don't need to be afraid of feeling anything.  Emotions are a guidance system not something that destroys.

Here's the song that's playing as I write this:

Being Vulnerable

As you may know, I'm a huge fan of TED talks.  I could listen to them for days.

My dearest friend Liz showed me this gem.  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Enjoy!

I have just arrived back "home" to university.   As Christian Morgenstern says, "Home is not a place, it is where they understand you."

May 2012 hold much peace, joy, and understanding for you.

A New Year

What does it mean to be alive?

It means your bare feet on slippery moss, taking a leap on a waterfall day.  It means flying over clouds to see mountain peaks that swell like your heart.  It means falling slowly.   It means saying I missed you instead of hello and see you later instead of goodbye.  It means dancing when the beat is alive.  The music is a heartbeat moving through a sea of faces, because the world fits on a dance floor.  It means feeling like home is not a place, it’s a person.  The heartbeat made a tide.  The tide made the ocean.  The ocean made me whole.

God is not a person, He is a power, my four year old self whispers quietly in my ear and I realize the Power is everywhere.

I waited in an airport.  I waited in a car. I waited in a waiting room.  I waited for a bus.  I waited for love.  I waited for an answer.  I waited for help.  I waited for a call.  I waited online.  I waited offline.  I signed in, I signed out.  I waited to feel like myself again.  I waited for results.  I waited for strength.   I waited for you.

I held you in my arms and I had to put you back on the filthy ground.  Your eyes stare into my soul with deep sadness and deep persistence.  You are removed.  You have stories that pinch tears out of my eyes and when it rains on a cold winter’s day as I step off the plane I breathe a sigh of relief.   I want you to know you didn’t make me cry, you just opened my eyes.

The Aare carried me.  My body became part of it as the river embraced me and carried me gently.  I could still resist but I didn’t have to try.  I didn’t want to try.  I watched the trees pass by and the blue periwinkle sky and I said to myself, this is what surrender means.

And I said to myself the other night, this is what grief means.  So I’m letting you go, because I don’t want to wallow in the wonder of 2011.  Thank you, dear year, for bringing me life.  Thank you for infusing beauty in my veins so that it lights up my skin.  Thank you for the wooden spiritual centers, for the family love, for the grief, for keeping Hapi safe in Heaven, thank you for the ocean, thank you for education, thank you for Kenya, thank you for kiwis, thank you for good food and good friends and good times. 

I’m letting you go because I love you so.
And I’m letting you in because you asked so nicely.
May the love, joy, and peace dwell within as always
and may you have the courage to find it in the dark.
And finally, may you always feel the water as it falls
like a cascade of memories, dreams, and present moments
Mountains, dares, and periwinkle skies,
like a river rapid rush of absolute cleansing perfection.

Exams, Etc.

It has been a while since I posted, and I suppose it's because I have been studying at all hours of day and night, my head buried in stacks of books, dutifully re-writing notes, and preparing.  Ha.  Well there was a little of that going on, but also some chill days, socializing, getting out into Kelowna, shopping, cooking, and all that other stuff that constitutes real life.  

I have often wondered what this "study till you drop" mentality is preparing us for.  I say, nothing!   So I have taken some alternative approaches to studying for finals  One of my favorites is covering the wall in blank paper, taking some bright felt pens, and making a masterpiece of notes.   The picture demonstrates part of my wall-decorating, imagine it from floor to ceiling, covering the entire door. I don't what it is about this technique that appeals to me, the standing and writing (like a teacher), the colours, working toward a goal...I don't know.  But I have the amazing Anwen from Wales to thank for the idea!

So I suppose everyone has their nuanced approaches to studying that works for them.  Some days I long for the even more radical approaches of no test taking at all...but this is real life, I guess.

Lately I have been trying to evaluate whether or not I am fully happy here.  Most days I am content. I like my window to the mountains, I love my roommate to the max, I have good friends who I make Sunday dinners with, I have interesting classes with inspiring profs.  But what is missing?  I don’t really feel part of a community.  It is definitely going to take a measure of warming up to somewhere besides Pearson.  Although I hate to admit it, sometimes I feel a bit of anger towards an education that set such a high standard  before.  Of course I am more grateful than anything, but sometimes it feels like nothing will ever compare.

In the end, I am trusting the “first is the worst” theory and trying to imagine all the wonderful things that are in store for me next term.  My go global application to New Zealand, my amazing courses (Gender studies, English, Anthro, and International Politics), new friends to meet, visiting Pearson, spring-time...and doing my yoga teacher training in the summer!     I am really looking forward to being home, cooking delicious food, and being with loved ones.  Despite a looming wisdom teeth removal I think it is going to be a relaxing and lovely break.

In other news, I have been spending some wonderful quality time with Camille and we discovered the absolutely DELICIOUS lahksa soup they serve at a Malaysian cafe in Kelowna called The Mad Mango.  It is sooooo good.


I wish you all the best for whatever you do this month and so much joy, peace, and love for the coming year.    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog – big hugs to you!

Sarah Kay

I think this woman is AMAZING.