Breathing's Just a Rhythm

Regina Spektor is a musical genius.  Her music resonates.

At the moment there is a lot going on for me and for those around me, school-wise and personally, so this song is for all those friends who are having a rough time.  Give it some time and we'll be okay!

Love love love....

This is a clip from Youtube of Regina at Glastonbury.

Wonderings

Did I mention I live with the best suite-mate ever? The lovely Camille...  We have already had so many great times together, in the less than 2 months we have been co-habitants of this beautiful space.   We have tea, we chat, we listen to music, we laugh, we dance.   It makes me wonder whether being roommates first, friends second ,is a better set up than choosing to live with friends you have known for a long time.

What makes roommates work?  I think it is a happy recipe of understanding, compassion, listening, patience, boundaries, flexibility.   We have started a tradition, Camille and I, with some close friends, of Sunday night dinners.  We cook different meals together and have some time to let go. 

At my old school, Pearson College, living with 3 other girls from 3 other continents (IN ONE ROOM) was a constant challenge and joy.  Pearson was often called a big educational experiment because it pushes us so far out of our comfort zones.   Of course that leads to some immense growth and learning.

Speaking of Pearson, we had the most amazing multi-faith spiritual centre.  It was built by students out of local wood, 10 years ago.   It has a fascinating design and it overlooks a brilliant blue bay and is nestled amidst arbutus trees and lovely evergreens.  Few places are so beautiful in which to ponder....and even though the spiritual centre here is not quite so spectacular, I had some great contemplative moments there.  As students many of us are at a crossroads in our journeys, spiritual or otherwise. Having a moment to reflect in whatever way fits for us is critical to developing some much needed peace.  Do you think our exam results would be different if we meditated on a positive mark beforehand? 

spiritual centre at Pearson College

On a completely different note, it was a rough day.   It all spurred from being reprimanded by a prof for writing too much on an assignment.   This may seem like a trivial thing.  What it triggered was a long time history of overachievement and the judgement that comes along with that.  Pearson sort of remedied all those feelings before, since it was a school made of overachievers.   What a weird complex that word carries....It makes it seem like a crime, overachieving.  As if we try to hard, pretend to know everything, that we are egotistical young people who are involved in everything, we do more because we feel inadequate.

I don’t know if any of that is true.   What I do know is this:  when I raise my hand I am aware of 150 and what they think of me.  I feel self-conscious about participating in class.   I feel like the annoying girl with her hand in the air.  I don’t feel like I fit in and I desperately miss the academic engagement that was so every day in my last school.  Maybe I have been spoiled (I mean, who gets to study marine science in a floating building with 9 other people?).  

Do we conform to what we think we should be or do we dance to the beat of our own drum?  Do we take the opportunity to discover our most true self or do we take the path of least resistance?  Why do people come to university, anyway?

What About School, Emmy?

So recently I was looking over my blog which is supposed to be about university - and realized I have posted very little about my actual academic life!  Maybe that says a lot about what I believe to be my "education" or maybe it just means I get easily side-tracked about other tidbits happening and forget my own title of blog.

Here's a short blurb on how academic life is then.   I have my first midterm in less than 30 minutes and I love how I am writing a blog entry instead of cramming. It is for earth science and despite a bit of anxiety, I feel quite okay about it.  It’s just a piece of paper.  It’s just a piece of paper. 

My classes in general are quite spectacular.  I especially love English, Gender Studies, and Sociology.  We have really stimulating debates in sociology, fascinating discussions in both English and GWST and I love how everything overlaps!  Therefore I can sound smart by just repeating something one prof said to another!  Haha.

Well Autumn is surely in the air and the partying has died down a bit.  People are getting their heads down to work and I suppose that is a positive thing.   It’s all about the balance right?

Better go and do a last minute review.

Wish me luck!

Mountain Glory

Thanksgiving this year was a bit different and wonderfully special.  I trekked up to Lake Louise, Alberta with my dear friend Emily to a lodge way off the grid, on the edge of a pale perwinkle lake, nestled in the Rocky Mountains in the evergreen forest. 

 There is beauty in the night silence that lingers on your tongue.  There is a crispness to the air at 2000 meters.  There is a joy in the bouncy earth while hiking with friends.  There is a wonder to feeling like someone knows your soul.  There is a kindness when you realize  you are not alone, even if you are.  There is a comfort in the wind that howls unobstructed.  There is a freedom in the rocks under your shoes.  There is a love that is divine when you are somewhere beautiful with beautiful people.

Please send me more experiences like this.  Please grant me the peace to find this beauty again in places not nearly as spectacular. 

 

Thank you:
- for family
- for friends
- for beautiful experiences
- for amazing places
- for an education
- for a lovely place to live
- for books
- for music
- for skies and trees and butterflies
- for teachers
- for yoga
- for dancing and singing
- for unconditional love

This is Beauty.

Poem on the Spur of a Moment, unedited.

Do you know that feeling?
Of settling stones in the pit of your stomach
And you wish it were like a cherry or a plum
and you could just
Eat the juicy fruit
And spit out the pit,
But instead it lands with a
Thud.

And greyness and darkness and blackness
And redness all seem to mix and mesh
That ugliness brown-grey-black results,
Right there in your stomach.
And feelings swirl in  a kaleidoscope
Of colours,
And you don't really know what they mean.

There's the magenta passion of lust
And the cool blue of detached melancholy
And the listless yellow of trying too hard to be happy
And the vibrant green of being alive.
We scribble over these precious
creations because we think it is bad to be sad.

We try furiously to paint another masterpiece
With a sword drenched in our own blood
Not realizing that paintings are made
With a gentle brush and caress
Instead of a violent stabbing.

So on this rainbow day in my cluttered room, I say
Marvel at the illuminated clouds
Because when it rains
You are are left with
Glistening sunshine
On your skin.

Thinking, Thinking

I've been thinking a lot recently.  And thinking kind of big - not in the same way as my sociology class - but more reflective, personal, and emotional. I was wondering what it means to be alive.  First of all, what do you think? 

This modern digital age urged me to go to my one trusted resource: good ole Google.   One of the first things that popped up  was someone else's blog titled " Erosophy:  The Interested, Embodied, Passionate Love of Wisdom"  and I thought I would quote this wise blogger:

"And in the midst of all of this I have realized that this sort of thing is exactly what life is about. Life isn't about picture-perfect family gatherings and smooth sailing all the way. Life is messy, life is painful, life is maddening, life weighs heavily, life is tenuous. And then life is also beautiful: the sound of my grandmother's snoring, the touch of her soft hand, the big bear hug from an uncle, the beautiful honesty and truthfulness that comes in a plea for help. This is what it means to be alive, beautifully, joyously, painfully alive." - http://erosophy.blogspot.com/2007/06/what-it-means-to-be-alive.html

Her comments remind me of the whole idea about our most difficult and chaotic times being the ones with the most potential.  Potential to break our old habits and jolt back to life.  The weird thing is, no matter how bizarre the event or circumstance, we don't necessarily HAVE to start seeing things differently.  Often we can just keep going as if it never happened.  We have the choice about how our experiences shape us.

Okay I think that is enough philosophy for today.