A space to reflect on the university experience and the wider educational journey of life and love.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Freedom and a Tendency to Feel

Well folks, it's been a long time.  Nearly two months to be exact.  First off - I hope you are well and thanks for sticking with me on this modest little blog.  I find it incredible how I can somehow transmit these words across the world and have absolutely no idea who is reading.  Yet I feel connected as I write.  Maybe that is the reason why I write in the first place, to feel part of a community.  Maybe that's the reason why I live too.  Life is truly about relationships, isn't it? Blogging is wonderful because it allows so much liberty...it's freeing to just write in a stream of consciousness. So that's what this post will be about - just an oozing stream of consciousness at this fine moment in time.

I've been thinking a lot about freedom these days.  It's something that is easy to take for granted.  Something that has intrinsically informed my day to day life and I never really noticed.  Oftentimes, I simply forgot that I was so free.  Of course, the moment when you no longer have something is the same moment you realize how valuable it is.

For me, this moment of realization occurred as I was staring out of a hospital window while on the psych ward.  I saw a stranger, a woman, walking on the street below me.  Just casually crossing the street.  Suddenly, I was overcome with envy, grief, frustration, and helplessness.  I knew that I was no longer free.  I could not walk on the street until a doctor gave me permission to do so.  I could not leave.

 Now, I think there is a fine line between control and freedom.  There are many times in our lives when we have no control, and some argue that life itself is uncontrollable.  Perhaps we have little to no power over our circumstances.  Yet freedom can be found inside of us, even as we battle external challenges. Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, is a valiant example of this.  Kahlil Gibran, who is maybe my favorite poet writes:

"And my heart bled within me; for you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfilment.

 You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief,
But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound."

At that moment, in the hospital, I was a prisoner within myself.  I did not feel free in my mind and indeed my mind had taken me to frightening places.  But so had society - society had imprisoned me within four walls and pumped my blood with drugs, because my behavior was deemed unacceptable. And even though my psychological experience was at times frightening, it was also awe-inspiring and valuable.  It has taught me so much.

It has taken me nearly two  years to be able to write about this experience and I think that is mainly due to all of the negative connotations of mental illness.  I am so sick and tired of stigma.  Even after so many positive strides have been made in the areas of psychiatry and psychology, we still have a long journey ahead of us.  Several times, I have heard people refer to my "illness" as dangerous or a symptom of the "crazy" or the "insane" or the "homeless."  And little do my dear friends realize, that they are speaking with a perfectly normal, high functioning young adult who faces that particular tendency to feel....what they have assumed is so different from them is staring at them.  People with mental illness are "othered."  We are seen as abnormal, as different, as frightening, as sick.

I think we need a profoundly different lens to view this issue.  Mental illness exists.  But the people who suffer are exactly that - simply, suffering human beings.  They are not any less or any more than anyone else.  In fact, many of these "ill" people have many impactful gifts that they offer to the world.  Our minds are complex and we understand so little, yet our egos seem to strictly enforce norms and conformity.  If we were to be truly ourselves, what would happen?   To me, the spectrum of life experiences is vast.  We all experience things differently and perhaps we need to widen our perspective on what life is truly about.   Maybe we need to approach people who are suffering from "mental illness" with compassion.  Meet them where they are at.  Talk to them instead of inject them.  Love them instead of fear them.  Be there for them instead of lock them away.

I guess all of this philosophizing is a result of a few things that have happened recently.  One is that I was asked to complete a criminal record check for employment and a volunteer position.  Little did I know that in BC, if you have been involuntarily admitted to the hospital (and therefore encountered the Mental Health Act) that involved police, this will show up for a certain amount of time on your criminal record check.  That's right.  Criminal record checks disclose that kind of information.  Firstly, I find it appalling that "criminal" and "mental health" are used in the same context.  Ontario recently established laws to avoid this as discrimination can easily ensue. Now, I do understand that if someone has a very serious mental illness and this had led them to commit crimes, it should be all means by disclosed.  However, Mental Health Act occurrences (that have not involved a conviction) are still noted for 2-5 years following the incident. And like I said, until now I have not felt comfortable disclosing my mental health information to anyone besides those I deeply trust...yet on every criminal record check I complete evidence of my "occurrence" will show up.

You can gather from the above paragraph, that I was not in that psych ward because I wanted to be.  I still get irrationally frightened when I see a police car.  It is visceral.  My heart pounds, my palms sweat.   So secondly, I think police officers need better training to deal with those suffering from mental health issues - they cannot be treated the same as criminals!  Yes, I do understand if someone is deemed a threat to themselves or another person they do need treatment. But they also need compassion.  The police can be an important part of someone's recovery and healing, but they can also be a source of trauma.

Thirdly- mental health must  be treated holistically.  While at the hospital for 9 days, I did not receive a single talk therapy session.  Medication is for sure an important part of healing for many people, but it should not be the only answer.  Mental illness does not happen in a vacuum.  Most of the time, it is trauma and personal history that contributes greatly.  Yes, there may be genetic predispositions but I am sure that mental illness is not purely biological.  Food, exercise, travel, self-regulating skills, massage, acupuncture, reiki, counselling, and good old fashioned love have been so important in my healing.

Thankfully, there are many organizations out there who support those suffering and thriving with so-called "mental illness."  One of the coolest ones I have found is the Icarus Project,  and Sascha Altman Du Brul's incredible and honest articlehttp://www.madinamerica.com/   is another fantastic resource.  The topic of Spiritual Emergency is also fitting, anything by Stanislav and Christina Grof is amazing - especially The Stormy Search for Self.  There are so many other resources that have proved so helpful.  Let me know if you want any more information.

I also want to say that life is beautiful for me right now.  I am so grateful for stability, for grounding, for healing, and for all the incredible souls that have helped me along the way.  I do not feel like I have any sort of illness, perhaps a tendency to feel, but I struggle to pathologize a part of myself.  It doesn't feel right.  So I'm choosing to love all of me, "crazy" parts included.

Phew.  This blog post has turned quite confessional, it took a lot for me to decide to share this.  I hope it helps.

All of my love,
Emmy