2013:
Winter. Woke up. Trudged to class, couldn't understand why everyone else was smiling. Led tours. Taught yoga. Cried. Was quiet. Skied. Depression settled silently in my bones. Heaviness. Heaviness. Painful memories. Belly danced to distract myself. Painted for expression. Good conversations and comforting tea drinking with Camille. Tried to read. Couldn't concentrate. Stopped, withdrew, decided to try something new.
Spring. Came home. Left school. Learned about coffee and painting and yoga. Had conversations at Connections and felt renewed. The brainwaves started to move in a new direction. Birthday on an island. Delicious food. Makyla visits and more wonderful yoga. Portland. Sebastopol. Beautiful memories with Camille and Belen. Sipping chai and savouring lovely friendship. Ashram life. Looking inwards. Working in the garden. Hari Om. Exploring the Light. Quietness. Early nights and early mornings.
Winter (Summer). Magical plane ride with a dear old friend. Landed in New Zealand, landed in paradise. Hiking near golden sandy beaches and cerulean seas in the middle of winter. There are still flowers in this magnificent country. Devastated buildings. Devastated Christchurch. Sadness. Emptiness. Doubt. Campervan trips and sparkly vibrant Dunedin. Sheep stations and wilderness trips. Monday lunches with Leah. Movies and mountains. Rivers and running. Crossing the Avon every morning and walking to class. Yoga. Dancing. Meditation.
Spring (Autumn). Contentedness trickles back. Depression lifts softly and silently, floating away back to the sky. Marae visits and retreats with new friends. Laughter and little children. Wilderness beckons. Trekking. Navigating in the dark. School ends. Hiking in Fiordland. Sublime moments. Breathtaking landscapes. 1000 metres in elevation in 8 hours. Meeting North. A sweet week in Wellington. Seeing Avalanche City with Ellen. Bliss at Anahata Yoga Retreat. Seeing Golden Bay and forest and beautiful mornings. Fire ceremony. Biking to Pohara Beach. Bliss. Freedom. Exams.
Summer (Winter). Hiking near volcanoes. Eel fishing by moonlight. Jumping into waterfalls. Leaping into waterfalls. Leaping into...the abyss. Embracing life's magnificence. Skydiving. Bay of Islands. Beautiful walks. North. Awe-inspiring trees. Weak in the knees. Alone and happy. Alone and not alone. New friends. Waiheke Island. Parents come to visit. Windy road anxiety. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is okay. Fun times and kayak sailing and birds playing. Australia for a week and home. Friends and familiarity.
It is a journey, healing happens when we open to the present moment and let go. Thank you for all of the wonder and the love and the joy and the pain and the sorrow and all of it. Thank you for every single beautiful soul I encountered and shared time with. Thank you for the chance to live fully and deeply and to feel. Thank you for life. Thank you for life. Thank you for life.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
A Christmas Walk and Other Simple Beauties
Every Christmas, my family goes on a walk. It's pretty much our only tradition. We usually walk in a different place each year, occasionally switching it up and going snow-shoeing or embarking on some other walking-related activity. I like it because it's simple. We don't give each other material gifts anymore or even have a tree and decorations, but we spend time together and share food, conversation, and fresh air instead. To me, that's what Christmas is about - connection. What are your thoughts on traditions and the material culture of Christmas these days? How do you connect with those you love at this time of year? What can we give that doesn't end up in the garbage?
On a similar note, during my time off school, I began to volunteer at a very special coffee shop named Connections Coffeehouse in Burnaby. Connections is also an initiative that is about relationships first, coffee (and other material goods) second. It was the brainchild of a very inspiring woman named Brenda who believed that a gathering space was needed in her neighbourhood. Connections is situated in a very densely populated high-rise neighbourhood where people would rarely reach out and connect to each other. It's a non-profit coffeehouse run entirely by volunteers. They serve excellent coffee (it's JJ Bean for those Vancouverites out there)....but most of all you can't help but notice the friendly, community-oriented, loving atmosphere. People go to Connections for a conversation, or to have a playgroup, to meet a friend, or to meet a stranger...it's a gathering space in the truest sense. After living in Christchurch - a city where the city center was destroyed by earthquakes 2-3 years ago - I realized the importance of somewhere where people can hang out and enjoy each other's company. Again, a simple idea yielding extraordinary results. For more information about Connections (and to see a cool video that describes what they are about) see: http://connectionscoffee.ca/home/
I'm getting ready to start university again and this time I am feeling so positive and excited about it. After having a refreshing and relaxing year off, it's time to return to the land of textbooks and notes and youth in all it's glory. Haha. I can't wait to see my friends and be absorbed by the incredible opportunity to spend all of my time learning. What a privilege it is, to be able to attend university. Every day I am so thankful for these opportunities. I will try my best to keep you updated in the new year and to continue writing about my university experience and the wider journey of life.
Much love,
Emmy
On a similar note, during my time off school, I began to volunteer at a very special coffee shop named Connections Coffeehouse in Burnaby. Connections is also an initiative that is about relationships first, coffee (and other material goods) second. It was the brainchild of a very inspiring woman named Brenda who believed that a gathering space was needed in her neighbourhood. Connections is situated in a very densely populated high-rise neighbourhood where people would rarely reach out and connect to each other. It's a non-profit coffeehouse run entirely by volunteers. They serve excellent coffee (it's JJ Bean for those Vancouverites out there)....but most of all you can't help but notice the friendly, community-oriented, loving atmosphere. People go to Connections for a conversation, or to have a playgroup, to meet a friend, or to meet a stranger...it's a gathering space in the truest sense. After living in Christchurch - a city where the city center was destroyed by earthquakes 2-3 years ago - I realized the importance of somewhere where people can hang out and enjoy each other's company. Again, a simple idea yielding extraordinary results. For more information about Connections (and to see a cool video that describes what they are about) see: http://connectionscoffee.ca/home/
I'm getting ready to start university again and this time I am feeling so positive and excited about it. After having a refreshing and relaxing year off, it's time to return to the land of textbooks and notes and youth in all it's glory. Haha. I can't wait to see my friends and be absorbed by the incredible opportunity to spend all of my time learning. What a privilege it is, to be able to attend university. Every day I am so thankful for these opportunities. I will try my best to keep you updated in the new year and to continue writing about my university experience and the wider journey of life.
Much love,
Emmy
Sunday, December 15, 2013
The Return of Words
It has been over six months since I last posted on this blog. (Thank you for your patience, dear reader). Despite having had a wonderful time abroad and a wellspring of inspiration from New Zealand, finding the right words to share has been challenging. I sat down at my computer numerous times and found myself at a loss - the sentences simply wouldn't flow. Every word I typed seemed wrong. Pulling words onto the page felt like wrenching out teeth. I couldn't get back in the groove of writing, and it distressed me since writing has been close to my heart for as long as I can remember.
I realize now that I identified (and probably continue to identify) strongly as a writer and as a student. When both of those labels were no longer applicable, when I took time off school and had an enormous writer's block, it was disturbing at first. I felt lost. As pathetic as it sounds, I wasn't quite sure of who I was anymore. And maybe the reason I couldn't write was because I was applying so much pressure on myself to perform, to keep up, to maintain a blog. My writing was coming from a place of force and coercion instead of compassion and openness.
A new possibility began to appear once I got over that initial horror. There was a void created by the lack of associations, a space opened up. We identify with so many different roles and descriptors - perhaps it is only when we strip those away that we discover our true selves. We are more than just daughters, sons, mothers, employees, students, and citizens - we are human beings. And as time passed I began to see an intrinsic self worth that was neither grandiose nor insignificant. It was just that as much as any other person, I was worthy of my own love and kindness. The Buddha echoed that sentiment many years ago when he said, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." The words started to float back. I realized I hadn't lost anything at all - and although it sounded slightly different, I had changed - I found my voice again.
I know this is a familiar story. The protagonist faces some challenge, overcomes it, and then comes out a stronger person. Maybe it's a survival mechanism, just a way for us to make sense of life and not lose all hope. But I've learned something new - sometimes the things we are most afraid of happening, the nightmare situations, hold the most potential for us to grow.
So in recognition of change and transition, I've revamped this blog in hopes that it better represents the journey I am on. The title used to be "Going and Growing, Eventually Knowing" but I'm starting to see that perhaps we never really "know" anything it's just a journey of continual learning and adaptation.
Maybe there is no final destination for knowledge, only an evolution of self.
Thanks for sticking with me, dear reader. Thank you for joining me on this sometimes-bumpy, eye-opening, heart-warming ride. Let's navigate together and remember to enjoy the scenery... xo
There's lots more to come!
PS: for a few snippets of my experience in New Zealand (unfortunately it wasn't kept very up to date) feel free to check out: http://www.emmyinnewzealand.wordpress.com
I realize now that I identified (and probably continue to identify) strongly as a writer and as a student. When both of those labels were no longer applicable, when I took time off school and had an enormous writer's block, it was disturbing at first. I felt lost. As pathetic as it sounds, I wasn't quite sure of who I was anymore. And maybe the reason I couldn't write was because I was applying so much pressure on myself to perform, to keep up, to maintain a blog. My writing was coming from a place of force and coercion instead of compassion and openness.
A new possibility began to appear once I got over that initial horror. There was a void created by the lack of associations, a space opened up. We identify with so many different roles and descriptors - perhaps it is only when we strip those away that we discover our true selves. We are more than just daughters, sons, mothers, employees, students, and citizens - we are human beings. And as time passed I began to see an intrinsic self worth that was neither grandiose nor insignificant. It was just that as much as any other person, I was worthy of my own love and kindness. The Buddha echoed that sentiment many years ago when he said, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." The words started to float back. I realized I hadn't lost anything at all - and although it sounded slightly different, I had changed - I found my voice again.
I know this is a familiar story. The protagonist faces some challenge, overcomes it, and then comes out a stronger person. Maybe it's a survival mechanism, just a way for us to make sense of life and not lose all hope. But I've learned something new - sometimes the things we are most afraid of happening, the nightmare situations, hold the most potential for us to grow.
So in recognition of change and transition, I've revamped this blog in hopes that it better represents the journey I am on. The title used to be "Going and Growing, Eventually Knowing" but I'm starting to see that perhaps we never really "know" anything it's just a journey of continual learning and adaptation.
Maybe there is no final destination for knowledge, only an evolution of self.
Thanks for sticking with me, dear reader. Thank you for joining me on this sometimes-bumpy, eye-opening, heart-warming ride. Let's navigate together and remember to enjoy the scenery... xo
There's lots more to come!
PS: for a few snippets of my experience in New Zealand (unfortunately it wasn't kept very up to date) feel free to check out: http://www.emmyinnewzealand.wordpress.com
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